Honesty and Movies

It’s really amusing how we associate our lives with the movie/soap opera characters. As much as I hate to admit it, I do that, sometimes – no, most of the time. Not that my life is so dramatic – gosh no. The story of my life is a combination of sorts – drama, comedy, suspense, a bit of action, and “strictly prohibited”/R-18. Generally though, I’d say it’s a DRAMEDY. When I watch movies/soaps, I’d usually find myself identifying with one or a few of the characters, even sometimes insisting upon myself that that really is ME.

(It might not really be worth mentioning as it’s kinda off topic but I would anyway…I have another “therapy” whenever I feel temporarily insane and I’m in my emotera mode. I’d watch a movie that’s so dramatic and romantic until I’d develop a lump in my throat till ultimately my tear ducts couldn’t take it anymore that I’d be bawling like mad, after which, I’d be okay. I’d be in a lighter mood albeit the eye puffiness and eye bags and red nose.)

Anyhow, there’s just one thing in dramatic movies/soaps that bugs me --- everybody’s so freakin’ honest and would tell the truth in one way or another! I mean, of course I believe that honesty is the best policy and all that, but come on, in real life, nobody is that truthful anymore. Everybody’s got skeletons in their closets and most people choose their dirt to be kept hidden especially if they feel that the truth will only hurt other people particularly the ones they love. I’d say honesty is overrated. I believe that some things are better left alone and unsaid and buried.

Oh well…if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been dying to have a glass of red wine (the current soap I’m addicted to has a lot of wine drinking scenes) so I guess I’ll have one now. Yup, I have red wine in my cupboard. Oh yeah. Sweet huh?

Want some?

PARENTING

One of my biggest fears --- that I’ll fail as a parent. I thought before that once you show your children how much you love them, everything will just fall into places – you and your children will just blend in with each other. I was wrong.

Parenthood is a tough experience (a really tough one at that) especially as your children grow older. Even if you’ll learn from them as they from you, still, it’s a job, be it part time or full time. Like a job, there are both fulfillments and frustrations. You learn, you cope, adapt, and then apply what you learned. Being a parent is never an easy job – from changing diapers to giving and applying the rules. I have always believed that one should not stay strictly a parent, but must be a friend also. But not every child acts and reacts the same – that’s a fact.

I’ve become quite paranoid especially now that I have a teenager in my hands. I get frustrated particularly if I feel I’m not doing anything right. Lately I found myself browsing on parents’ forums in the hopes of getting some tips whenever I’m faced with a teenager crisis. In all fairness to my teenage son, he’s not the typical teenager with all that angst. It’s just that he’s been going through a different phase in his life, and I’m really trying very hard to gain his trust and vice versa.

Oh God, it’s taxing, really. Like every parent, all I can hope and pray for is that I’ll be given more strength, patience, and sanity. Of course, I’m still on the trial and error stage so it’s quite tricky. I just hope I’ll do well.

BITCHING

It's such a tedious thing to find ways so as not to look back but just move forth. All this babbling here makes me feel like a stupid baboon since I'm just writing the same litany of agonies - hence, I sound redundant already. My subconscious tells me that I shouldn't worry too much about this (er, what I write) as there's really nobody reading this blog anyway (yeah sure, I announce that I have a blog, but see, nobody even comments for crying out loud!)...

So I guess I could go on and on huh?

I'm just so freakin' tired. Really. I really am...

I wish it's that easy to do the "bugger-off-next-please!" regimen, but hell... easier said than done.

Ah, the pains of living...

Makes me wonder though...do I always make it easy for people to take the U-turn?

Now I really wish I could get a comment from this...As if...Ha!

P.S. - Should someone accidentally stumble upon this blog and wanted to comment, please, by all means, go ahead and feel free to do so...or e-mail me at ooshposh@yahoo.com...I swear, I won't bite.

ENIGMA

Perplexed…Mesmerized…
It's freaking me out, just had to cry…
Where have you been?

Could it be?

Dew drops felt
Cold mist seen
My sight is foggy
But still…

Could it be?

Myths of passing love echoes in vain
A weeping voice heard in the depth of the night…mine…
My heart is bathed in darkness…
And I am parched…
Breathless…terrified…

Could it be?


The beauty of sadness is much too blinding
And lightning strikes my severed soul
I fled…I bled…I fell…

Again....

Could it be?

-ooshposh-

WHO?! ME?!

I’m usually a cheerful, carefree person. My friends would say I don’t get infuriated (though I’m sure my housemates would disagree hahaha)… I would say I rarely get mad, I would oftentimes shrug things off and I admit that I always see the goodness in each person’s heart albeit the pain/hurt he/she caused me, ergo to the point of naivete.

The other side of me that only a few (close) chums know is that if I’m in pain emotionally, I’d be physically hyperactive – with constant movements/exaggerated fidgeting – and when the person who had caused such abnormality in my emotional immune system is within range, I’d be blabbering like a mad(wo)man, try to be funny, and kid around. I guess obviously, the reason for such act is that this my defense mechanism of sorts just as much as a cover-up to my effin’ bleedin’ heart. In my solitude though, I’d be a tad teary eyed (but tears rarely fall as I’ve developed a technique for such which requires years of practice and perfection) and I’d be in my “emotera” mode and do the following – not necessarily in this order:

(a) Play Metallica (the Black album) in the background while clean either the whole house or my CR – depends how depressed I am and how much water there is;
(b) Sometimes I run amuck;
(c) I chide or curse myself aloud for yet another stupidity;
(d) Look at myself in the mirror – and smirk;
(e) Succumb to a staring spell.

In short, I WALLOW…

Perhaps the psychology/psychiatry nerds would really be exhilarated to meet me as they’d be able to come up with a lot of diagnoses – neurosis, bipolar disorder, schizoid, blah, blah…I really don’t care, as long as I do these weird things alone, I’d be able to put up a brave front as soon as I am with the outside world.

Pretentious? Nah. Showbiz! Hahahahaha!

In lieu of this, my best friend set an “expiry date” for my whines and emotera swings – he says those moments should be at least 3 months apart. He also said that if we see each other, he’d uproot my heart and put it in my head, swap the brain in place. That way, he says, I’d use my brain more rather than my cardiovascular system…or I might die of a broken heart.

Triple *sigh*… Gademit!

I AM...

Exhausted…

of the people who disparaged me…
judged me…
lied and misled me…
made a fool out of me…
took advantage of me…
betrayed me…
hurt me…

yet…

Wistful…

for you to ratify my genuine individuality – wholeheartedly, no ifs or buts…
for you to dry the tears in my eyes…
for you to attest to the universe that you are proud of me…

Grateful…

for the courage and strength that I gained…
for the entelechy dawning upon my once darkened horizon…
for family and friends who stood by me…
for my wonderful children who never cease to inspire me…
for the 32 years of bittersweet journey of self discovery and learning…

Blissful…

because the Almighty has never failed me…

-ooshposh-

ALMOST LOVER - Part 3

To CW: May fate be kind to you...

ALMOST LOVER - Part 2

PR#2: A year and half passed. One day, CW was invited to a christening of an officemate's baby. There she met Knightrider or KR for short. Both of them are godparents. KR is very, very good looking with a snobbish attitude - she says, "a man with an Oooooohhmmpp." (I'm guessing he's got a great bod too because of the latter description.) Naturally, CW immediately took notice of him but just shook herself back to reality as (a) she knows he wouldn’t take a second look at her, and (b) he was with his fiancée (my friend saw the ring on the woman he was cuddly with). Admittedly, she caught KR staring at her, in a more calculating way, but she was quite oblivious about it because of the aforementioned reasons. Reception came, and fate, really, as I would always say, has sometimes a weird sense of humor - she was assigned at the same table with gorgeous KR along with other (mutual - as it turned out) friends, thus, they were introduced to each other. His fiancée, by the way, left immediately after the blessing and prayers were made. They managed to get into a conversation and all the while CW tried really hard, with all her might, not to act like a hormone-driven teenager around him. So, he got her number, she got his. Soon they were constant "textmates" and would even send senseless one-word messages, even punctuation marks. CW also saw this as another opportunity of getting over VV. Yes, KR might be a rebound of sorts, but for her, if it would help moving forward, she ought to try it. She and KR would meet once in a while and ostensibly, CW found herself feeling euphoric just being with him (even while relating all this to me, she inserts a lot of giggles in her sentences - sigh).

Now, another year has passed…KR barely texts her anymore when they're not together (oh, I forgot to mention earlier, KR is a serial player - he admitted it to CW herself). Now, my friend wonders and the thought persists, what do they have? Naturally, she also threw the same question at me…I asked her if she has feelings for KR. She goes, "Not really" and I somehow managed a stifled "huh?" I am flabbergasted honestly. I told her the brutal truth, that she is in a moronic cycle, but if it makes her happy, I'd totally give her my blessing. My advice? She should just enjoy the moments they're together, and most importantly, if she can help it, not to fall for KR, or else….

HOMAYGAD…

ALMOST LOVER - Part 1

A very good friend from elementary days asked, nay pleaded, to meet with me. Let's call her CW for Catwoman. "I have a big problem," she says. And so we decided to meet up, have dinner, and then coffee afterwards. I can sum up her problem in one word - PSEUDORELATIONSHIP(S) - a relationship without clarity, open-ended, hanging…the funny (or sad) part is this is her second one. So I sat there, gawking at her and had to restrain myself from strangling her. See, CW is still in the mends - in other words, she's been quite bruised and jaded because of a failed relationship - and yet, here she goes again so you can't blame me for almost wanting to scream "WTF?!?!"

Anyways, she debriefed me of what has happened for the last several years - as we haven’t seen each other in like ages albeit keeping in touch once in a while. So a quick history…Her first pseudorelationship, PR#1, was with a very charming, BUT married guy - let's call him Voltes V or VV for short. They were friends from college who eventually got closer as they shared the same interests, and both of them are "makulit" and "malambing" (some are quite opinionated and blurted out that they are "soulmates"). At the onset of their growing friendship, they had this agreement of sorts that neither should FALL for the other. Oh yeah, they fooled around big time and discovered yet another thing - that they are sexually compatible. And so things went on and were status quo for about a year or two. Until CW began to feel spaced-out around him - she would get secretly jealous with every girl VV showers his charms on, and boy was she scared! A voice in her head was chiding her, constantly nagging her of the pact they made. However, the time came when she decided to acknowledge that, yeah, she was hooked. Apparently, VV took notice and naturally, he asked. She had to give him the "to-hell-with-the-consequences-I'm-gonna-tell-you-how-I-feel" attitude…She cursed herself but nonetheless decided that if he bails out on her, so be it, an open-and-shut case.

Yet, CW was taken aback by his reaction and it was a complete shock to her. He seemed to be okay with it and just shrugged it off - he didn’t run away! In fact, he was even sweeter in the days to come. According to her, VV was level headed, they would have conversations about whatever it is they "have" and promising nothing - which of course is the right thing to do. Unfortunately for CW, she would have her "gaga" moments (I wouldn’t blame her as we all have those moments whether we like it or not). Anyhow, the time had come for VV to migrate to Ireland and CW saw this as an omen of sorts that it's time to let go - though at the back of her mind, she knows she couldn’t. When VV left, my friend cried buckets of tears (it was those times pala that her texts are depressing) and was really, really hanging on. Both of them kept in touch ergo making it harder for her to move on. VV was still not promising anything nor would he tell her he loved her (DUH?!) and dear CW was okay with that - and hung on…A few years passed until their e-mails became less frequent. She used to e-mail him as frequently as she can, but his replies were often delayed. She also found out something he did when they were on the fooling-around stages (which, when later asked about it he vehemently denied). It hurt her so she gathered up enough courage and had her resolve that indeed, it might be time to move on.

HIGH SCHOOL LIFE...

I saw a recent photograph of my high school buddies. A lot has changed but seeing them brought back certain insecurities. I decided to drop a few lines to one of them through Friendster - I always see her as the "leader" of the group. To my utter dismay, I suddenly seemed to be groping for words! Memories came flooding in…

You see, a long time ago, I was a "promdi" (from the province) freshman who studied in the city. It was a culture shock of sorts for me and I was really too shy and super insecure to make new friends. From where I came from, I was used to classmates as well as school mates being dropped off by motorcycles/pedicabs/tricycles/bicycles and those who walked to and from their houses (ours was kind of a small backward town). In the new school (it was actually a university), students were dropped off by their drivers/cars - in other words, most of them are rich. This new school is known for by its academic excellence (not to mention its middle class-rich population…me? I was just one of those students who came from a family with an average income) and my neurons were working properly and tuned in then ergo I was able to make the entrance exams.

Anyhow, come sophomore year, four wonderful girls welcomed me into their group - I really dunno how it all started, but there I was, suddenly "IN" a group. Mind you, these are not just ordinary girls, they were quite popular too because of their looks - yes, they were one of the pretty ones. Of course, I never imagined that they will accept me in their cool circle at all. I was ecstatic that they befriended me, but I would say that I was pretty quiet at first, but as time went by, I got comfortable around them, sharing jokes and laughter especially during our ride home (we'd take jeepneys together - their families have cars but I guess they preferred to ride the jeep then). We called each other "Ne" - meaning "little girl" in our dialect.

In spite of all these, I still had high doses of insecurity embedded in my system (and it's recurrent as I still suffer from this at times) perhaps because they were really fine-looking - their hairstyles were in sync with the fad (imagine the 90's hairstyle) and they have the "in" things…whereas I don’t even know how to put the hairspray on the exact angle thus making my teased-cum-sprayed bangs still look flat. They've got the perfect teeth and perfect smiles while I'm "sungki." They've got flawless skin while I've got lots of scratch marks and insect bites (I don’t dare wear shorts those times). I wore big eyeglasses too. You can just imagine my dilemma every time we have to have our pictures taken at a studio - I have a copy of one of those monstrosities. Now, yes, the boys…Wow, lots of boys like them, even those from other schools do. Me? Oh yeah, I've got one, yes folks, one admirer/suitor at school, - a fellow dance trouper. At least meron hahaha! He eventually became my boyfriend (my first!) all because of their prodding and badgering.

So you really couldn’t blame a poor teenager like me then to feel like the ugly duckling in the group. But these friends of mine, never did they let me feel out of place, never did they tell me I'm ugly or that I don’t belong.

Another thing I remember was during our senior year. There was a beauty pageant of sorts, it was the search for Ms. United Nations. Now these girls, along with our classmates, again badgered and convinced me to join the said contest. I'd say that it was hitting two birds with one stone that time - the first bird would be that it would make me at least "known" (hopefully not a laughingstock) for a day and the second bird was that I got a 98% grade for our Social Studies class on that grading period… And so I gave in and joined. They were responsible for everything - one taught me the right catwalk (Joane) - she made me walk with a book above my head - but all of them helped with the costume /clothes to wear and with the makeup - yes, they were with me all through my "embarrassment." Of course, I did not win hehehe. But it was quite an experience. Lucky me to have these girl friends huh?

We cried buckets of tears on our graduation - saying goodbye was never that easy. I haven’t kept in touch with them until now - I'm still trying to anyway. I still haven’t seen them since graduation. I sure do hope I would in this lifetime.

THE UNIVERSE HAS A WEIRD SENSE OF HUMOR...really...

Fallen… bruised… badly broken… shattered into pieces… believing again that something exists when it doesn’t and will never be existent… have become so wretched... might as well bludgeon myself with a kevel…

The roughshod rhythm recurred…abhorring every millisecond of it, yet continues to somehow yearn that things this time might be different…

Confusion sets in and tries to battle with what little sanity I have left in me… really a vicious cycle… should've sharpened my claws to be able to fight my way out… should've… could've…

Confidence was regained and now lost again… I have become an imbecile… my thought processes are furthermore disturbed…

Some people are just born pachydermatous… was mastering the art of being immune to these beings, but alas! Who am I kidding? I still am not… goddammit…

I am once again, a pathetic mortal contaminating the universe's gene pool…if only chlorination could serve as an antidote to such condition…

Ingemination...

I just had a great vacation so I should be stress-free… But I’m not… I’m at it again… I really think so… “It” meaning I’m at the boundaries of my emotional ambit. And I’m petrified, really. It has been my belief that my brain is now capable of taking charge of my life instead of these freakin’ emotions. I don’t cry over something so easily anymore and that’s good right? Well, yeah, I know that it would seem that I’ve kind of numbed up but it’s the best thing for me and my cardiovascular system.

But things are happening beyond my control and I am still trying to brave this… It’s scaring the hell out of me. I don’t wanna give in to this. I’ve already been to hell and back, and believe you me, the journey is tumultuous. I don’t wanna be sucked through that vortex all over again.

Let’s all hope I’m just being my delusional self.

Oh dammit!

AIN'T IT GRAND?

I'm worried…as usual…I practically worry about everything…sometimes I think it's the borderline between paranoia and sanity. Things that worry me are, for instance, me being a mom. Am I doing a good job raising my kids? Have I taught them enough? Have I shown them that I love them? It's not like I just gave birth to them for crying out loud, but as they grow older, of course the situation becomes different -- greater challenges are at hand.

I am now working at home. I'm really very thankful for this because this way, I could spend more time with them --- I wouldn’t be an "absentee" mother (as one of uncles used to say because he said that I always come home late from work ergo the kids are asleep by then). When I was working in an office, honestly, it gave me a sense of individuality somehow, a sense of being me, the independent office woman, not the mother. I also used to go out a lot with friends or cousins. Yes, I would feel guilty about it most of the time, but they would tell me not to because it should be a time for myself. Whenever I spend on something for me, I also feel guilty, as I would think that with that money, I could've bought something for the kids. Again, my friends would chide me stating that I should indulge sometimes, that I deserve a "reward". Anyhow, now that I work from home, I seldom go out (which is more of my choice anyway) and I've pretty much gotten used to being around my boys - their smell, their jokes and antics, their laughter, their fights. Now, whenever my friends would invite me out, I rarely, as in RARELY, yield to them. Why? Because I'm worried that I'd miss them too much that I wouldn’t really enjoy the outing and thus become a party pooper. This led me to theorize that I've got separation anxiety. Oh my…

I've got an out-of-town sashay planned at the end of the month. Now let me tell you that my emotional range is boundless - ergo, I am nicknamed "EMOTERA" by close friends. As the day of this planned junket approaches, I find myself feeling uneasy, again, because I'm worried about the boys. Sometimes I've got racing thoughts before I go to sleep (and racing thoughts are scary - it's a symptom of depression) that give me palpitations literally. I know, I know - you would say that I'm OA but I really can't help it. This absolutely distresses me and keeps me up at night and the only way that keeps my brain to shut these thoughts off is by praying. Yes my dears, I DO know how to pray. Hey, I went to a Catholic university during high school for Pete's sake - why am I explaining myself anyway?

So…I've been psyching myself lately to be excited for this upcoming trip, and I am. In fact, my eldest son has been encouraging me to do or buy something for myself so when a friend of mine told me about this excursion, I decided to go for it - another way to also de-stress. I'm hoping and praying that it would be worth it.

I should be deliriously freakin' happy and agog.

25 THINGS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply g ets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.

19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.

20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)

21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.

23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

25. Never apologize for being you!

nuthin' to do..

MY BOYS

Here's a snapshot of my two beautiful boys...I have yet to scan their old baby pics though hehehe...To these two not-so-little guys: I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH...You are my strength and my life...

SORSOGON PHILIPPINES...

One of the places to go in the country, if you want to take a breather, is the province of Sorsogon. It is located in the Bicol region, the southernmost province of Luzon. If you love nature, this is the place to go...Here are some pics.. Enjoy!




Matnog sunset


Subic island


Me and friends enjoying Palogtoc Falls


Subic island


View from the top of a hill at Subic island


Paguriran Island


Subic island bay


One of the bay caves at subic


Bulusan Lake



Mini caves along Subic island stretch

Talk about seething anger...

(Addressing Senate President Manuel Villar): “I’m not angry, Mr. President, I am not angry."

“I am irate. I am foaming at the mouth. I’m homicidal. I’m suicidal. I’m humiliated, debased, degraded. And not only that, I feel like throwing up to be living my middle years in a country of this nature. I am nauseated. I spit in the face of Chief Justice Artemio Panganiban and his cohorts in the Supreme Court.”

-SENATOR MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO, AFTER BEING DROPPED FROM JUDICIAL AND BAR COUNCIL SHORTLIST, December 2006

Signs

It's really amusing how signs are slapped in your face. Hilarious even when fate (if it really exists) dons its full battle regalia and gathers its forces thereby proving the point that "some things are not meant to be or meant to happen." I somehow had just experienced this a few days ago. A greater force intervened... Perhaps, yes, only for my own benefit as a means of saving myself from shattering into pieces all freakin' over again. Weird, really, but I have no way of lookng at it otherwise logically. It's like looking at an EDSA billboard, which screams "Just Stop It" which of course is an antiloquy of Nike's "JUST DO IT" ad...

So is this really a sign that i should stop being masochistic and take care of my heart (umm, duh!)? Now i just remembered what my bestfriend reminded me about tomatoes (be it the paste, the sauce or the real deal) being good for the heart. He advised that i should have a tomato overload along with my chocolate cravings... He also suggested that I change my favorite ridiculous dialogue from "Be still my heart" to "Be steel my heart."

Nice huh...It got me thinking...With all due respect to the Wachowski brothers, i think Trinity should've died in the Matrix and not saved by Neo..because there's no Neo..there's no "THE ONE"...

Gawd, these acrid words....hmmmpph...I better get a dose of ABS Bitter Herbs..fast..

TSOKOLATE

I was sooooo craving for chocolates these past few days. Of course, I wouldn’t dare deny that I've been quite, errrr, sad lately (and edgy and high-strung and impatient, etc. etc.) and I reckon a little dose of endorphins might lighten me up a bit, you know…

Anyhow, this craving, I noticed, transpires on ungodly hours, i.e., midnight to wee hours of the morning, wherein of course the neighborhood sari-sari stores would be friggin' closed so that I couldn’t even buy myself a piece or two of ChockNut or Cloud 9, dammit. One midnight ago, I suddenly wanted to eat Voice biscuits/crackers (for those of you who are unfamiliar with this, this has a chocolate wafer in between the crackers - and it's yummy). I wasn’t really aware that it was already midnight then; I thought it was only 10:30 p.m. so I asked my son to buy some for me and he said, exasperated, "Mom, the stores are closed!" It was then that I realized what the time was. I would've thrown a fit right then, but of course, it's not really very pretty to look at and not proper (at my age) especially in front of my child, huh!!? So, I just inhaled deeply and decided to let go and forget about it.

Earlier today, about 6 p.m., I caught a chocolate feature on TV. Of course it talked about chocolates: how they're made, their benefits, and so on. All of a sudden, my househelp muttered something about having "tableya" in the house, sent by my adorable mum (tableya, by the way, is a local chocolate made of cacao seeds and a local version of cocoa), so we checked, and oh heavens, there it was! I was too elated and the next thing I did was bark instructions to her to make me mug of hot chocolate. The weather was damp and it looked like rain was coming so it sort of…jibes... - a hot chocolate on a rainy night. Lovely isn't it? I felt giddy and it was oh so delicious! It was really sweet though, too sweet that it would make you wonder if you've contracted diabetes already. Nevertheless, I put lots of powdered milk in it (thus making it more sweet) and drank it slowly, but greedily, savoring the chocolatey taste that almost got me stark raving mad because of lusting after it.

So am I still sad? Hmmm…perhaps, a bit, yes. Why? Because it's raining…and raining equals bed weather…triple dammit…dammit.

I guess I have to have loads of chocolate in my system…gimme, gimme, gimme!

Australia

I'm currently reading another "chick lit" book and it generally talks about Australia..the sceneries, the beaches, the wild, and most of all, the hot Aussie blokes...hehehe..the book basically describes these blokes as darn smoldering hot n' sexy...whew! Plus with those beaches? Who would ask for more?! (I'm Alt-Tabbing actually, writing this and surfing pics of Australia and its blokes, snicker snicker...) Ooh if it's not just so freakin' expensive to go there, i'd be on my way right this sec..dammit.

excuse me for acting like a hormone-driven teenager (which i'm not - a teenager that is), i guess i got too caught up with this reading that i'm delusional again.. :D

blabbing again..oops.

I DID IT!

I did it! I went BUNGEEJUMPING!


...I did...really... it was a dream though...

dammit.

THE THRILLS

Enjoying life's vicarious thrills is one way to celebrate living. Right or wrong, if it makes your fight the struggles of living, so be it. There is no point of showing the wrath of righteousness here, hey, nobody's perfect; go ahead and cast the first stone if you're so bleeding perfect (Filipino translation: WALANG BASAGAN NG TRIP). Of course, cautiousness is a must cause we don't wanna wake up one day aghast and suddenly never knowing what hit you..well, if you ask me...i still wanna go bungeejumping...

GAAADD! IT'S GOOOODDD!!!

It's nice to feel good again about yourself. Of course, there are reasons for this. You've got your family who will always make you feel loved even you seem so unlovable at times and stay patient with your hellish fits of craziness. And then there are your good ol' friends around you, never ceasing to make you laugh even though you're really on the verge of tears and breaking down already. Its also amazing since most days you'll never think a day like this would come. This feeling will likely not last but who cares? Doesn't matter, it's nice having the bitter curtain lifted in your heart once in a while...

MOON TIDE

(written 03/22/2008)

Some good things never last. Yep, the Barbra Streisand song. As much as you wanna be analytical about this, you always end up asking the eternal question - WHY? Why can't good things last forever? Why does it have to stop? What's the point of feeling good when in the end you'll feel bad again? They say it's supposed to make you stronger and it's supposed to make you learn the ways of life. But not you. You're feeling bitter as time goes by. It's baffling why people will make you feel special and then just vanish in thin air. Then comes the part where you wallow. And then you get by, become okay, and move on. And then, out of the blue, they find a way to infiltrate your contented little world again. WHAT THE?!?! Damnit, it confuses the hell out of you. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Such a cruel world. Then you try to be optimistic about it telling yourself "perhaps this time…" then it becomes a vicious cycle and you become powerless to stop and cut through it. Now you justify everything and think that it's the masochist in you, loving every bit of pain that you feel. Smirk, smirk…

At the moment, tears elude you (unless you're watching a sappy movie or peeling onions), but you don’t think you have lots of strength in you. You realize it only means you are getting tired of this bull-freakin'-shit and your tear ducts are all dried up. Oh yes you still goof around and smile and laugh a lot that you've got premature crow's feet (giving you the urge to have Botox), but still, inside, you feel empty…Nil…Zilch…Then a bright idea crosses your mind ---

YOU WANNA GO BUNGGEEJUMPING…

NEW THOUGHTS

(written on 02/08/2006)

This part should be labeled "old thoughts" not new thoughts. Why? Because I guess things that will be written here will just be the same complaints and whines, as what I have in my previous, err, writings.

Earlier today, what could have been a wonderful day quite ended up a sad day…and a tearful one at that. I'm still wondering when I will have the courage to say what I wanna say and not just bottle them up. That is still my dilemma -- saying how I feel -- if I'm giddy with love or I'm as angry as a bear. Tears have been shed earlier, and most of those tears are tears of dismay. I couldn’t believe that a person very, very close to my heart would be able to think less of me -- and it breaks my heart! My heart has just been starting to gather up its pieces from countless heartaches and yet, it is being wounded again, which made me ponder "will this ever heal?"

Yet, I see a spark of hope ignited within me…Perhaps this too, shall pass…or will be forgotten. As I have always prayed that tears will elude me, still, there's always the notion that this prayer will sometimes go unanswered…but then again, that is life. A life without tears will leave you weak and unguarded.I would wish to catch a glimpse of what tomorrow would bring, but it remains bleak at this time -- still without certainty. All I could do is hope, learn, and pray…

somewhere i have never traveled

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence:in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers,you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,as when the heart of this flower imaginesthe snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility: whose texturecompels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens; only something in me understandsthe voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-e.e. cummings-

PASSING LOVE

Because you are to me a song
I must not sing you over long.
Because you are to me a prayer
I cannot say you everywhere.
Because you are to me a rose--
You will not stay when summer goes...

-Langston Hughes-

MY PERSONALITY IS... (Idealist)

MY PERSONALITY IS...

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

AMIGOS Y AMIGAS

it's been like ages since i poured out my catharsis here..i've been through hell and back, but there are good days for me fortunately, making me think that i really must have done something good in my life (maybe it was the day i helped an old woman cross the street or the day i gave 20 bucks to a homeless guy...)

oh gawd, what the heck, all of us deal with different types of crap from the moment we were born and perhaps confront them in our own weird way.. LIFE is, most of the time, complicated (--i really luvv this word :D) and overrated (and so with everything else in this world) and that's the freakin' truth..sometimes, it makes us do things that we painstakingly try transform ourselves into a different entity, until one day we realize we just don't like the person we've become..

but i guess this is why friendship is formulated...and i'm just SO glad that i have friends who i turn to everytime i have the urge to yammer and bitch around incessantly..and these friends NEVER fail to listen and accept me for who or what i am...their just being there for me is enough..i am content with it...it's a vice versa thing though, as i always tell them that they can always come to me even if they just wanna throw a fit, get bitchy or cranky, or perhaps they just feel like fidgeting and what-not, and i would gladly welcome them with open arms and let them be ...

this thing that we have has an upside..sometimes, if we feel like we just want to feel miserable together (e.g., just sitting and laze around with that far-away look on our faces while twisting several strands of hair and not uttering a single syllable), we do that..it makes yammering and whining a lot of fun because it makes me feel that i'm not alone in my "pathetic-ness" and sometimes it makes me realize that some of them have even bigger challenges than moi..(hence the cliche "misery loves company")...

ergo, i would like to say "THANK YOU" to these great and rare beings i call friends...thanks for putting up with my sh!t and im sorry if ever i've hurt u in one way or another..i want u guys to know that your friendship is cherished and is of great value to me..it's a relief that there are still people like u in this gene pool and i sure hope that u don't have a "Best Before" seal stuck on ur foreheads...

with that said (or written), here's a toast for u.. KAMPAI!!!

O, IT WAS OUT BY DONNYCARNEY

O, it was out by Donnycarney
When the bat flew from tree to tree
My love and I did walk together;
And sweet were the words (s)he said to me.
Along with us the summer wind
Went murmuring -- - O happily! -- -
But softer than the breath of summer
Was the kiss (s)he gave to me.

-james joyce-

L'AUTRE FEMME

basking in the solitude of my milieu
wondering about my existence
wondering how you’ve been
the distance between us does not matter
and my thoughts of you do not falter.
we may not recognize where the future will lead us
as the future I cannot ascertain
indeed I will savor the present for whatever it may be worth
and taste the rapture of your affection for me.
another day will not obscure
the hopes of a new tomorrow
an embroidery on a canvas that we interlaced
completed and adorned by everything that we shared.
giving me a part of you
i will always be thankful for
though i cannot have you
the part you have shared with me
will only be mine and not to anyone else.
so i will try to relish my existence
that these two had separated
carrying on with the things that i have to do
however still always loving you.

-ooshposh-

(10/16/2006)

PARADOX

(written on 10/01/2006)

I’ve noticed that I have written quite a few things about love (such that I kind of emit the ‘love junkie’ effect to those who read my blog, and of course which I am not), about sadness, past hurts, my grudges or of life being sometimes a biatch, etc., etc. I haven’t tried writing about the act where swapping of bodily fluids takes place (a.k.a. SEX – hello!), but I have posted something vis‑à-vis this matter... Hence, I have decided that I want to write something sane and something that is of value, not melodramatic, pessimistic, or acrimonious…

These past several weeks, I have observed that despite continuous burrowing through my cerebrum, I really, really find it impossible to write about anything. There were times, though, when I suddenly have a certain something that would poke at my now-not-too-workaholic neurons (picture me with a blinking light bulb above my head – AHA!), and then poof! It would just evaporate into thin air that would make me want to scream and then hopefully gouge the eyes of those beings who will dare leer at me…(ugh, gross.. i was just kidding on the gouging part..)

Hey, it’s not that I’m making up a cock-and-bull story just because I have lost my knack for writing (or the lack thereof)… Just thinking that perhaps the reason why this is happening is because my brain is atrophying, gives me the creeps! If this is the case, maybe this is the way my brain cells are showing me their outrage since I haven’t been making a good use of them… Nooooooo! This is a nightmare!!!

ANOPHELOSIS

(written 08/17/2006)

ANOPHELOSIS: A morbid state brought about by extreme frustration.
As part of life’s vicious cycle, we have to go through several (or at least some – well, lucky you!) ordeals and pains and of course, it would depend on us how to get a grip of ourselves when we are about to give in and perhaps lose the slightest bit of sanity left within us… Ergo, we experience anophelosis. Hmmm…exactly…

These past few weeks, I go to work later than usual (meaning mas nala-late ako) and as much as I want to come in earlier, I couldn’t muster enough physical and mental prowess to do so…Of course, there are REALLY some days when inevitable things happen (such as the water tank breaking down and having to fetch H2O a few houses away from ours; OR waking up with an atrocious headache just because I really find it difficult to sleep as early as I want to, in other words, I’m suffering from pseudo-insomnia; OR having to run an errand for people because you have to and deep inside you know you’re still a “people person…” hey.. I can go on and on here…trust me, my reasons are legit…). Anyhow, some friends psychoanalyze me in a not-so-Freudian kind of way and I guess, a bit of their analyses has a ring of truth to it…according to them, I am just inflicted with the “burn-out syndrome” which means “the-phase-of-our-existence-wherein-we-are-incapable-of-functioning-usefully disorder.” (Sometimes, being the ‘emotera’ that I am, I convince myself, and everybody else, that I’m suffering from emotional malaise…)

What I’m blabbing about is really this…life sucks sometimes and not all of us possess the capability of being calm when we feel like all we want to do is rave and rant like madmen or beat the crap out of each other…naturally, we can always choose to either stay like this for a long time or slowly try to grasp and cope with the things that made us “temporarily insane” and go on with our existentiality…yes, life sucks and reality bites (and occasionally has claws too), but really now, we don’t have to be so misanthropic about it…I mean, hey, I believe that each individual has his own karmic design and this thing called karma really exists (which, by the way, is just lurking in the shadows or peering over our shoulders)…

I guess what I’m saying is that we must never lose faith in the greater good… Just putting in my two cents… (and I hope I made sense..*sigh*)

YA-DI-DA

(written 08/10/2006)

Sometimes we desire strongly for something that we know we cannot have, but instead of being resigned to the concept, still we go on longing for it. Why is it that we always have this resolute adherence to our own longings, when at the back of our heads (and hearts), we are AWARE of the certainty that some things are, perhaps, not just capable of existing? (Hah! What is that smirk in your face??) Now it may seem like you are an addition to the wretched ones of this interbreeding population, but so what? Nobody can stop you with what to do with your existence! To heck with these freakin’ condemnatory people… and yes, I know, I know…this cliché “some things are just not meant to be” appears to be screaming inside your brain over and over again just like an echo, that you might as well bludgeon yourself with a mallet…

Goodness I’m blabbering now…this happens when I really don’t know what to write…i used to write with such ease, without having to ponder long enough on what words to use or what things to write about…I usually write how I feel (especially if I feel melancholic and I’m in one of my morose moods) and it does the trick. Somehow, I feel better and feels like a dark cloud has been lifted…

Blabbering again…where was i? oh… I’m talking about yearning for things that we cant have…hhummmphhh…I really don’t have anything further to say…I just think that this happens to most of us, if not, ALL of us…that we kind of go through this…this…dilemma… of course, there’s always this uncertainty, but I guess it makes our existentiality kind of stimulating…
pfft!..blah..blah..blah…

FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN

This is hilarious...got this thru text message...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other...
   

..this is just for kicks peeps...it'll still be up to you hehehe...

Me Revenir Mon Amour (an excerpt)

The distance seems so far, yet so near,
Knowing when the time is right, you will be here
When i call for you...
Missing you, loving you,
Wanting you, needing you...
There has been a void in this place
Since you left...

Come back, my love, it won't be much longer!
You are wanted and needed
More than you could ever know!
And missed-- you are so missed--
As you consume my thoughts and
Drive my desires...
Come back soon, my dearest love!

* P A I N *

"Nothing tries the human soul so much as pain...
It is interwoven in the fabric of life,
in one form or the other
and at some time or another,
we shall all experience PAIN..."

-Sota Omoigui, M.D.

*&^%#%&&%&^$#

(written in nov 2003)


Turbulence of emotions..whoa! that's what i'm feeling right now.
I've often wondered why some days i feel bizaare..Perhaps, such days are days when i'm in denial..

It's quite ambiguous when it comes to describing how i'm feeling..Is it because i'm under the influence of the wondrous taste of alcohol? Or because i'm feeling just plain shitty? I've come to realize that i'm under the same spell and cycle again..And i'm getting tired of it..Why can't i just be in one corner and be at peace with myself? Do i need to get through with this again?

Perhaps my close friends are tired of my whining and i can't blame them for that..Even I am tired of hearing myself whine all the time..

Normalcy for me these past few days is quite difficult to achieve..i am hoping to become part of the living things once again, as i am dead...

AWAKENING

Too much confusion
Too much pain
Too much hope
Too much ache
Too much anger
Bewildered...pondering...
Hoping...praying...
Needing...wanting...
Loving...hurting...
Pain...always pain...
Yet time passes by
Easing sorrow
Healing wounds...cleansing...
Twilight has ended
The dawn is near
Existing...living...
A new day has begun...

-ooshposh-

(2006)

CRAP-ness

(written on 04/26/06)

I know..i know..there is no such word..but for me, this word describes things and people who are full of crap...which makes me wonder, why is it that there have to be those kinds of people, huh?
i decided to write about this because what started a good day ended up being a bad one..and yes, because of people who are full of crap..these people are the ones who let you believe in yourself, that you are a likeable person, etc. etc. In other words, these are the ones who give you confidence about certain things. Yet, time comes when they hurt you, just adding itself on the long list of hurts that you have had. When such things happen, your confidence diminishes. Whatever ego that's left in you evaporates. It is them who destroy the confidence in you that they once gave.

so i begin to ask myself.."what happens to me now?" Would i pretend not be hurt and go on with my life or not? To be honest, i still dont know...i really dont...that, my friend, is the million-dollar question...

oh well...

EXISTENTIAL ANGUISH

(written on 03/27/06)

Its been a while since i've been here..reason? i have no phone line in my new (rented) house, but i'm workin' on it.

Anyhow...nuthin's new with my life..same old same old hehe..i've been through several trials (which i think is part of everyone's life; except that sometimes, i think that mine is self-inflicted)..

I've been pondering things..about love and about life..Generally, i have this rule in my life to never take my love ones for granted. I always tell them that i love them. The words "i love you" are very sacred to me. I will never utter them unless i really mean it. Even if you ask my kids, i always tell them 'i love you' everyday..Before, i dont tell my mom how i love her and care for her, but now, i do..My friends know this too..You see, i always ask myself, "what if tomorrow never comes for me?" I mean, im not being morbid, but we never know how long we've got in this world..

Life is short so we should enjoy all the small things and be thankful for all our blessings and for all the people who love and care for us..

UNREQUITED II

If i could just grasp thee
And reach out to thee
Thy nearness alone maketh a day brighter than any star..
If thy heart could just hear my pleas
And listen closely..
It would hear sounds of echoing voices
Telling how i love thee..
Sad as it may be
I dare not ask for thou to be mine
But i fear not telling thee
The deep disturbing silence of my heart
Whenever thine eyes look deeply into mine..
Oh how thy maketh the entire me
The smile, thy gestures
Thy voice, 'tis music to my ears
Oh if thou could only be mine...

-ooshposh-

(written in 2000)

SWEET!

"I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend against its force... My love will melt the hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day..."- OG MANDINO
**************************************************************************************************
about soulmates: SOULMATES aren't hatched..they just don't pop up out of nowhere...they grow..u make a connection, build a relationship, and
then u realize, "this is my soulmate.."
**************************************************************************************************
"When i began to spend more time with you, it is almost as though i discovered an elixir i did not know i craved until i took a taste of
it. And having had the craving awakened, i am now consumed by a dark dread of the possibility that i may not be able to fully assuage my thirst..."

BED ETIQUETTE (FOR MEN)

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EXPRESSIONS

(written on 12/14/05)

"I know im wrong..that i've assumed too much..you're NOT JUST INTO ME, now i end up falling flat on my face..i've got bruises all over me..i'm wounded and hurt..but it will be over soon..hopefully..but then again, you have no right to make me feel this way, you have no right to hurt me..you have no right to play with my heart..you have broken it many times already whilst i'm still trying to mend it..i don't know how much i can endure with this, but i will take it slow..my heart is still trying to breathe, but it is now dying a slow, painful death.."

These are just a few lines that i once wrote a long time ago, which inspired me to write again..It somehow occurred to me that no matter how strong we think we are, love would make us vulnerable and somehow needy, to the point of being pathetic..the people who hurt us may or may not realize it, perhaps because they are dumb asses or just plain deficient in human sensibility..yet, even with the knowledge of them making a fool out of us, still, we torment ourselves into believing things that we want to believe -- in other words, we become IMBECILES...

It makes me wonder sometimes why we let ourselves to be consumed by such idiosyncrasies..this thing called love, revered by most of humankind, would either make you deliriously happy or disgustingly demented, ergo the cliche 'madly in love.'
perhaps we should play life's games without a heart..that way, we can go through it unscathed...
hmmm..just a thought...