Thursday, October 16, 2008

ENIGMA

Perplexed…Mesmerized…
It's freaking me out, just had to cry…
Where have you been?

Could it be?

Dew drops felt
Cold mist seen
My sight is foggy
But still…

Could it be?

Myths of passing love echoes in vain
A weeping voice heard in the depth of the night…mine…
My heart is bathed in darkness…
And I am parched…
Breathless…terrified…

Could it be?


The beauty of sadness is much too blinding
And lightning strikes my severed soul
I fled…I bled…I fell…

Again....

Could it be?

-ooshposh-

Sunday, October 12, 2008

WHO?! ME?!

I’m usually a cheerful, carefree person. My friends would say I don’t get infuriated (though I’m sure my housemates would disagree hahaha)… I would say I rarely get mad, I would oftentimes shrug things off and I admit that I always see the goodness in each person’s heart albeit the pain/hurt he/she caused me, ergo to the point of naivete.

The other side of me that only a few (close) chums know is that if I’m in pain emotionally, I’d be physically hyperactive – with constant movements/exaggerated fidgeting – and when the person who had caused such abnormality in my emotional immune system is within range, I’d be blabbering like a mad(wo)man, try to be funny, and kid around. I guess obviously, the reason for such act is that this my defense mechanism of sorts just as much as a cover-up to my effin’ bleedin’ heart. In my solitude though, I’d be a tad teary eyed (but tears rarely fall as I’ve developed a technique for such which requires years of practice and perfection) and I’d be in my “emotera” mode and do the following – not necessarily in this order:

(a) Play Metallica (the Black album) in the background while clean either the whole house or my CR – depends how depressed I am and how much water there is;
(b) Sometimes I run amuck;
(c) I chide or curse myself aloud for yet another stupidity;
(d) Look at myself in the mirror – and smirk;
(e) Succumb to a staring spell.

In short, I WALLOW…

Perhaps the psychology/psychiatry nerds would really be exhilarated to meet me as they’d be able to come up with a lot of diagnoses – neurosis, bipolar disorder, schizoid, blah, blah…I really don’t care, as long as I do these weird things alone, I’d be able to put up a brave front as soon as I am with the outside world.

Pretentious? Nah. Showbiz! Hahahahaha!

In lieu of this, my best friend set an “expiry date” for my whines and emotera swings – he says those moments should be at least 3 months apart. He also said that if we see each other, he’d uproot my heart and put it in my head, swap the brain in place. That way, he says, I’d use my brain more rather than my cardiovascular system…or I might die of a broken heart.

Triple *sigh*… Gademit!

Monday, October 6, 2008

I AM...

Exhausted…

of the people who disparaged me…
judged me…
lied and misled me…
made a fool out of me…
took advantage of me…
betrayed me…
hurt me…

yet…

Wistful…

for you to ratify my genuine individuality – wholeheartedly, no ifs or buts…
for you to dry the tears in my eyes…
for you to attest to the universe that you are proud of me…

Grateful…

for the courage and strength that I gained…
for the entelechy dawning upon my once darkened horizon…
for family and friends who stood by me…
for my wonderful children who never cease to inspire me…
for the 32 years of bittersweet journey of self discovery and learning…

Blissful…

because the Almighty has never failed me…

-ooshposh-

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

ALMOST LOVER - Part 3

To CW: May fate be kind to you...

ALMOST LOVER - Part 2

PR#2: A year and half passed. One day, CW was invited to a christening of an officemate's baby. There she met Knightrider or KR for short. Both of them are godparents. KR is very, very good looking with a snobbish attitude - she says, "a man with an Oooooohhmmpp." (I'm guessing he's got a great bod too because of the latter description.) Naturally, CW immediately took notice of him but just shook herself back to reality as (a) she knows he wouldn’t take a second look at her, and (b) he was with his fiancée (my friend saw the ring on the woman he was cuddly with). Admittedly, she caught KR staring at her, in a more calculating way, but she was quite oblivious about it because of the aforementioned reasons. Reception came, and fate, really, as I would always say, has sometimes a weird sense of humor - she was assigned at the same table with gorgeous KR along with other (mutual - as it turned out) friends, thus, they were introduced to each other. His fiancée, by the way, left immediately after the blessing and prayers were made. They managed to get into a conversation and all the while CW tried really hard, with all her might, not to act like a hormone-driven teenager around him. So, he got her number, she got his. Soon they were constant "textmates" and would even send senseless one-word messages, even punctuation marks. CW also saw this as another opportunity of getting over VV. Yes, KR might be a rebound of sorts, but for her, if it would help moving forward, she ought to try it. She and KR would meet once in a while and ostensibly, CW found herself feeling euphoric just being with him (even while relating all this to me, she inserts a lot of giggles in her sentences - sigh).

Now, another year has passed…KR barely texts her anymore when they're not together (oh, I forgot to mention earlier, KR is a serial player - he admitted it to CW herself). Now, my friend wonders and the thought persists, what do they have? Naturally, she also threw the same question at me…I asked her if she has feelings for KR. She goes, "Not really" and I somehow managed a stifled "huh?" I am flabbergasted honestly. I told her the brutal truth, that she is in a moronic cycle, but if it makes her happy, I'd totally give her my blessing. My advice? She should just enjoy the moments they're together, and most importantly, if she can help it, not to fall for KR, or else….

HOMAYGAD…

ALMOST LOVER - Part 1

A very good friend from elementary days asked, nay pleaded, to meet with me. Let's call her CW for Catwoman. "I have a big problem," she says. And so we decided to meet up, have dinner, and then coffee afterwards. I can sum up her problem in one word - PSEUDORELATIONSHIP(S) - a relationship without clarity, open-ended, hanging…the funny (or sad) part is this is her second one. So I sat there, gawking at her and had to restrain myself from strangling her. See, CW is still in the mends - in other words, she's been quite bruised and jaded because of a failed relationship - and yet, here she goes again so you can't blame me for almost wanting to scream "WTF?!?!"

Anyways, she debriefed me of what has happened for the last several years - as we haven’t seen each other in like ages albeit keeping in touch once in a while. So a quick history…Her first pseudorelationship, PR#1, was with a very charming, BUT married guy - let's call him Voltes V or VV for short. They were friends from college who eventually got closer as they shared the same interests, and both of them are "makulit" and "malambing" (some are quite opinionated and blurted out that they are "soulmates"). At the onset of their growing friendship, they had this agreement of sorts that neither should FALL for the other. Oh yeah, they fooled around big time and discovered yet another thing - that they are sexually compatible. And so things went on and were status quo for about a year or two. Until CW began to feel spaced-out around him - she would get secretly jealous with every girl VV showers his charms on, and boy was she scared! A voice in her head was chiding her, constantly nagging her of the pact they made. However, the time came when she decided to acknowledge that, yeah, she was hooked. Apparently, VV took notice and naturally, he asked. She had to give him the "to-hell-with-the-consequences-I'm-gonna-tell-you-how-I-feel" attitude…She cursed herself but nonetheless decided that if he bails out on her, so be it, an open-and-shut case.

Yet, CW was taken aback by his reaction and it was a complete shock to her. He seemed to be okay with it and just shrugged it off - he didn’t run away! In fact, he was even sweeter in the days to come. According to her, VV was level headed, they would have conversations about whatever it is they "have" and promising nothing - which of course is the right thing to do. Unfortunately for CW, she would have her "gaga" moments (I wouldn’t blame her as we all have those moments whether we like it or not). Anyhow, the time had come for VV to migrate to Ireland and CW saw this as an omen of sorts that it's time to let go - though at the back of her mind, she knows she couldn’t. When VV left, my friend cried buckets of tears (it was those times pala that her texts are depressing) and was really, really hanging on. Both of them kept in touch ergo making it harder for her to move on. VV was still not promising anything nor would he tell her he loved her (DUH?!) and dear CW was okay with that - and hung on…A few years passed until their e-mails became less frequent. She used to e-mail him as frequently as she can, but his replies were often delayed. She also found out something he did when they were on the fooling-around stages (which, when later asked about it he vehemently denied). It hurt her so she gathered up enough courage and had her resolve that indeed, it might be time to move on.