#WHOGOAT (Late post)

If there's a Master's Degree of having your heart broken, I definitely would have one. I’m not talking about romantic relationships per se – I am referring to this as a general concept of relationships (family, friends, etc …) It is a tough thing to go through indeed and one would think that letting go would be easier as time goes by, but no. Perhaps because I tend to forget how that particularly feels, although we all know that it hurts like hell.

I have always believed that I wear my heart on my sleeves, but I realized that I really don’t – I ACTUALLY place it on the other person’s hand which allows them to drop it or even trample on it, heck, maybe just for the fun of it. My heart has been broken so many times already that it still amazes how the hell I am managing to hold it altogether - perhaps a little bit of glue here and a little bit of Band-Aid there, that’s how. LOL.

I stand by what my arm ink says: “I regret nothing.” We meet different kinds of people in our life – family members included. Each has a lesson to teach us, knowingly or unknowingly. And then there are the choices we make. Any sane person would know that every choice has its own consequence. We just have to be prepared for it and learn from it.

With each heartbreak comes what seems to be the most difficult part of it all – moving on. It is freakin’ hard because the pain is exquisitely gnawing, throbbing. I guess with time, I have become a better “coper.” I have learned that smiling more and laughing more help in burying all the hurt and the pain – be it past or present. It’s pretentious, yes, but to each his own right? What would give me away are my eyes; well, at least, those who know me too well can attest to that – my eyes never fail to betray me and it sucks.

Yes, sometimes, it sucks to be me.

But…with all these, I am slowly learning to love myself more. I have always admitted that I’ve self-esteem issues most of my life but now I am trying to get rid of ‘em – and I believe I am getting there, baby steps. My confidence is slowly building up and it’s a nice feeling. Self-respect is another thing I need to work on. It is true what they say, respect yourself and others will respect you. Somebody once told me that I am a pushover, and he may be right – although I have always believed that I am also kind which is also mistaken as being a pushover. :p

Happiness and love are not overrated. Again, let me be clear that I am talking in a general context. Our only enemy is ourselves. We can only allow ourselves to heal and move on. Broken or not, life is worth living. We should not eliminate love in our hearts. There are bigger problems out there – ours is just a tiny piece, and sometimes not even worth dwelling on.

I will continue to be a better person. That is a promise.

HOPIA

"HOPIA"

A hopia is a bean-filled pastry originally introduced by Fujianese immigrants in urban centres of both countries around the turn of the twentieth century. (Source: Wikipedia.) In bekinese (read: gay lingo), it means "hope." Thus, it can be used as an adverb or adjective, e.g., humopia, pahopia, etc. Kapag feelingera or feelingero ka sa "kras" mo, humuhopia ka. Kapag nabigo ka, sasabihin mo naman sya itong pahopia. Naturally, this also applies to other aspects in life such as friendship, a job, a promise, or all of the above, yes, ALL OF THE ABOVE. (At dahil napapanahon, sige na nga, very applicable din sya sa Meralco. Lels!) The point is... ang hirap maging hopia, especially if what is at stake here is your pangkabuhayan showcase and friendship. It is a wound that is so difficult to heal and a broken trust that only time can repair. This is also a test of faith because you know that forgiveness is the key, yet you find yourself uttering pleas to God asking Him to heal you so you can forgive...and you still could not do so. Slowly, but surely we pick up the pieces, hoping and praying to be restored soon. Ayown. Just sayin'. Good morning y'all! #sorrynotsorry #hugot

At Dagger's Drawn...(Almost)

I have always recognized that I have one of the lowest self esteems here on earth. Reason(s) for this, I believe, had been mentioned in one of my prior blabs here.

I would just like to reiterate that being insecure is not something to be proud of, in fact, I’ve been wanting to get rid of this in my system for such a long time already. Of course, there had been periods in my life where I can say that I was at my most confident – my “prime” so to speak, on the confidence level side. I was fun to be with, always laughing, not having a care in the world, living a carefree life, albeit still knowing what my boundaries are.

But I have allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, treated like a doormat – name it – by people. And I admit, up to now, I still sell myself short.

I have become a leech to some of my friends, sucking the life out of them. I feel like I’m drowning them with my miseries. Although I have apologized to them about this, I still feel guilty and feel bad because they too have their own difficulties and I feel inadequate to be the friend that they need me to be.

I used to be passive – I just take it all in, will just say nothing even if I’ve been wanting to explode for a long time just to avoid conflicts or confrontations. Somehow, I’m taking baby steps in learning how to voice out my opinions in the gentlest way possible so not to sound “opinionated” or narcissistic. Of course, some people who are used to my passivity might still be “shocked” about this, at same time, pushing me back into my shell (that’s how I see it). Like I said, baby steps – I’m still learning this thing. Yet, I guess it’s inevitable that some people will just provoke you – knowingly or unknowingly – that it would seem like you’re walking the thin line between love and hate…and this scares me a lot because, when push comes to shove, I don’t know what I’d be capable of doing.

I do not know why I always have this urge of proving my self worth to everybody. Does this make me KSP? Really, it’s hard to explain…and nobody might understand where I’m coming from and might see me as someone who is carrying a lot of emotional baggage, a jaded person, pathetic, and all those crappy terms. I don’t care anymore.

I am holding on to my faith, to my God.

I’m holding on to the belief that I deserve to be loved and to be cared for as any other person, that I am a worthy person.

Yet I find myself hanging by a thread…I’ve been trying with all my might to hold on but now I’m getting exhausted and I feel I’m slowly losing my grip. How can I hold on to something uncertain?

Have I made the right decision?

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BRATINELLO AND BRATINELLA

Since nobody is really reading this blog, it's not really important when I last wrote here, nobody cares anyway. Still, I'd like to say that I haven’t really posted in a while partly because of the so-called blogger's block and partly because I wasn’t that INSPIRED anymore -- I guess, the muses have abandoned me. Lol.

As always, the times where the itch to write was great, however, would come on unexpected situations or when I am lying in bed, trying my best to fall asleep. My thoughts would be running around in circles, jumping from one topic to another (isn’t this scary?!) and I literally would become nauseous -- perhaps because my neurons, if any, are exhausted. Eventually though, sleep would come.

The latest "topic" that came to mind is about how our friends are not alike. Of course obviously, they have different personalities and traits but still, they are your friends. We have learned to treasure them.

We have friends that we could call our "soulmates" because of being in sync with us at all times. There are also the sweet and thoughtful friends -- those who, regardless of not seeing/hearing from them for a while, are still the same old chums you used to know. For instance, some of my high school and college friends --- they may have changed physically, but they were the same boys/girls you used to know. We also have our weird but lovable friends -- you have nothing in common with them, yet you "click."

Now we also have friends who seemed to have metamorphosed -- no, not into cute little butterflies, but into monsters of sorts. Of course the cliché, "Only CHANGE is permanent in this world" comes to mind, and while that is true (and a perfect excuse), I have concluded that this metamorphosis has a common denomination: OVERINDULGENCE.

A.k.a. the spoiled brats.

These are the ones who want to be treated like they are Mr./Ms. High and Mighty and yes, they are Mr./Ms. Perfect. When you're friends with them, be afraid…Be very afraid. If for them you are not an EQUAL, I assure you, you will be treated like crap. If you're such a very unfortunate individual, you can also become their favorite pal to pick on. This then will make you feel like crap too and then you adapt the habit of belittling yourself.

You will feel miniscule just like an amoeba floating in the toilet bowl --- amongst the shit.

Yeah…SUPER.

In spite of the fact that you have "served" them well, humbled yourself upon them, and apologized profusely when you know you are the one at fault, still these supposed friends of yours will never fail to make you feel so bad that your gut hurts.

Still you try…and try…and try harder and harder…all to no avail. Perhaps it is easier for them to ignore you.

Admittedly, we have chosen them to be a part of our lives; yet we also have a choice to let them go.

So why prolong the agony? You should not be somebody's beck and call. The minute this realization sinks in, you should run. FAST. Never look back. These people are not worthy of you. It is a waste of time and energy pleasing these people. Do not overburden yourself with them. Instead, prioritize your other friends -- those who really truly care for you and love and accept you and most of all, RESPECT you for who you are, albeit the arguments and fights, big or small, that you have with them.

This friendship is long past its expiration date. Don’t stay just out of habit.

It is time to cut them loose.

2008 - THE WHOLE NINE YARDS...

It's been a long time since i've visited and written here. I was really planning on writing last December, at least before 2008 ended, however, I just didn't have time to do so. I've been wanting to write about things (recent or not) that have happened to me last year. Generally speaking, it was a good year for me, not excellent, but pretty good. Naturally, mistakes had been made, as always - i am but a mere mortal. Things got lost and found. Places visited and re-visited and people discovered and re-discovered.

Let's see. I went to Puerto Galera (for the first time, courtesy of my beloved cousin, Gina) on Valentine's day (Yeah!) and revisited Baguio after 9 years (yipee!). I also revisited lovely Sorsogon twice. I was able to go to the "sosyal" Embassy Superclub (courtesy of my cousin's cousin-in-law), free of charge at that. Cool huh?

I was scheduled to go to Dubai, underwent a series of medical tests, unfortunately, the employer turned me down the last minute (after spending dineros for the requirements - and yes, i am perfectly healthy) because apparently they wanted someone who could work for them ASAP. Oh well...

Mid-year, career transition, the bosses gave me a PC (my personal old one was not usable anymore), applied for internet connection, so I could work from home thus giving me much more time with the kids (and creating this blog). Definitely!

Financially, I did okay until mid-year, but quite downsloped towards the end of the year. Credit card and other bills - all that jazz. A "friend" asked for a loan through my mom - the first one was okay - she made the scheduled payments - then asked for a second loan. That was when things went bad - paid only half and made promises to settle. But she didnt. I based everything on trust and friendship. You know what happened next. I never heard from her again. This means, I'll be the one paying for it. (By the way, this is the second time a friend borrowed money from me - and yes, i never learned... sh!t).

My kids got theater, streetdance and badminton lessons. What can I say, i've got talented sons!

My very generous cousin (Gina) bought me a sofa and a bed. Yey! Unfortunately, our TV and washing machine broke (the washing machine was rescued, the TV, nope), and then i lost my cellphone. Dammit - I have my Metallica song collection there, dammit, dammit..

Come December, i received a new cellphone and Gina bought a laptop for me - which i would be paying for the whole year of 2009 - not bad huh? Now, i'd be able to work even if i'm away from home.

My mother visited us here in Manila and met our African-American neighbor and his Filipina wife. They offered us red wine and champagne. And then my mother got drunk. It was really funny seeing my mom throw up! But she had a great time, that i can tell you.

I resolved to go back to attending Sunday masses just this last December. Feels really good.

A long lost cousin was found - we had a reunion of sorts post-Christmas. It went great. His father (whom he hasnt seen for a couple of years) came (and cried) and another uncle - the one the nieces and nephews considered to be the strictest and most conservative - also arrived...and he let his hair down. Finally!

So, not bad huh?

WHO?! ME?!

I’m usually a cheerful, carefree person. My friends would say I don’t get infuriated (though I’m sure my housemates would disagree hahaha)… I would say I rarely get mad, I would oftentimes shrug things off and I admit that I always see the goodness in each person’s heart albeit the pain/hurt he/she caused me, ergo to the point of naivete.

The other side of me that only a few (close) chums know is that if I’m in pain emotionally, I’d be physically hyperactive – with constant movements/exaggerated fidgeting – and when the person who had caused such abnormality in my emotional immune system is within range, I’d be blabbering like a mad(wo)man, try to be funny, and kid around. I guess obviously, the reason for such act is that this my defense mechanism of sorts just as much as a cover-up to my effin’ bleedin’ heart. In my solitude though, I’d be a tad teary eyed (but tears rarely fall as I’ve developed a technique for such which requires years of practice and perfection) and I’d be in my “emotera” mode and do the following – not necessarily in this order:

(a) Play Metallica (the Black album) in the background while clean either the whole house or my CR – depends how depressed I am and how much water there is;
(b) Sometimes I run amuck;
(c) I chide or curse myself aloud for yet another stupidity;
(d) Look at myself in the mirror – and smirk;
(e) Succumb to a staring spell.

In short, I WALLOW…

Perhaps the psychology/psychiatry nerds would really be exhilarated to meet me as they’d be able to come up with a lot of diagnoses – neurosis, bipolar disorder, schizoid, blah, blah…I really don’t care, as long as I do these weird things alone, I’d be able to put up a brave front as soon as I am with the outside world.

Pretentious? Nah. Showbiz! Hahahahaha!

In lieu of this, my best friend set an “expiry date” for my whines and emotera swings – he says those moments should be at least 3 months apart. He also said that if we see each other, he’d uproot my heart and put it in my head, swap the brain in place. That way, he says, I’d use my brain more rather than my cardiovascular system…or I might die of a broken heart.

Triple *sigh*… Gademit!

HIGH SCHOOL LIFE...

I saw a recent photograph of my high school buddies. A lot has changed but seeing them brought back certain insecurities. I decided to drop a few lines to one of them through Friendster - I always see her as the "leader" of the group. To my utter dismay, I suddenly seemed to be groping for words! Memories came flooding in…

You see, a long time ago, I was a "promdi" (from the province) freshman who studied in the city. It was a culture shock of sorts for me and I was really too shy and super insecure to make new friends. From where I came from, I was used to classmates as well as school mates being dropped off by motorcycles/pedicabs/tricycles/bicycles and those who walked to and from their houses (ours was kind of a small backward town). In the new school (it was actually a university), students were dropped off by their drivers/cars - in other words, most of them are rich. This new school is known for by its academic excellence (not to mention its middle class-rich population…me? I was just one of those students who came from a family with an average income) and my neurons were working properly and tuned in then ergo I was able to make the entrance exams.

Anyhow, come sophomore year, four wonderful girls welcomed me into their group - I really dunno how it all started, but there I was, suddenly "IN" a group. Mind you, these are not just ordinary girls, they were quite popular too because of their looks - yes, they were one of the pretty ones. Of course, I never imagined that they will accept me in their cool circle at all. I was ecstatic that they befriended me, but I would say that I was pretty quiet at first, but as time went by, I got comfortable around them, sharing jokes and laughter especially during our ride home (we'd take jeepneys together - their families have cars but I guess they preferred to ride the jeep then). We called each other "Ne" - meaning "little girl" in our dialect.

In spite of all these, I still had high doses of insecurity embedded in my system (and it's recurrent as I still suffer from this at times) perhaps because they were really fine-looking - their hairstyles were in sync with the fad (imagine the 90's hairstyle) and they have the "in" things…whereas I don’t even know how to put the hairspray on the exact angle thus making my teased-cum-sprayed bangs still look flat. They've got the perfect teeth and perfect smiles while I'm "sungki." They've got flawless skin while I've got lots of scratch marks and insect bites (I don’t dare wear shorts those times). I wore big eyeglasses too. You can just imagine my dilemma every time we have to have our pictures taken at a studio - I have a copy of one of those monstrosities. Now, yes, the boys…Wow, lots of boys like them, even those from other schools do. Me? Oh yeah, I've got one, yes folks, one admirer/suitor at school, - a fellow dance trouper. At least meron hahaha! He eventually became my boyfriend (my first!) all because of their prodding and badgering.

So you really couldn’t blame a poor teenager like me then to feel like the ugly duckling in the group. But these friends of mine, never did they let me feel out of place, never did they tell me I'm ugly or that I don’t belong.

Another thing I remember was during our senior year. There was a beauty pageant of sorts, it was the search for Ms. United Nations. Now these girls, along with our classmates, again badgered and convinced me to join the said contest. I'd say that it was hitting two birds with one stone that time - the first bird would be that it would make me at least "known" (hopefully not a laughingstock) for a day and the second bird was that I got a 98% grade for our Social Studies class on that grading period… And so I gave in and joined. They were responsible for everything - one taught me the right catwalk (Joane) - she made me walk with a book above my head - but all of them helped with the costume /clothes to wear and with the makeup - yes, they were with me all through my "embarrassment." Of course, I did not win hehehe. But it was quite an experience. Lucky me to have these girl friends huh?

We cried buckets of tears on our graduation - saying goodbye was never that easy. I haven’t kept in touch with them until now - I'm still trying to anyway. I still haven’t seen them since graduation. I sure do hope I would in this lifetime.

AIN'T IT GRAND?

I'm worried…as usual…I practically worry about everything…sometimes I think it's the borderline between paranoia and sanity. Things that worry me are, for instance, me being a mom. Am I doing a good job raising my kids? Have I taught them enough? Have I shown them that I love them? It's not like I just gave birth to them for crying out loud, but as they grow older, of course the situation becomes different -- greater challenges are at hand.

I am now working at home. I'm really very thankful for this because this way, I could spend more time with them --- I wouldn’t be an "absentee" mother (as one of uncles used to say because he said that I always come home late from work ergo the kids are asleep by then). When I was working in an office, honestly, it gave me a sense of individuality somehow, a sense of being me, the independent office woman, not the mother. I also used to go out a lot with friends or cousins. Yes, I would feel guilty about it most of the time, but they would tell me not to because it should be a time for myself. Whenever I spend on something for me, I also feel guilty, as I would think that with that money, I could've bought something for the kids. Again, my friends would chide me stating that I should indulge sometimes, that I deserve a "reward". Anyhow, now that I work from home, I seldom go out (which is more of my choice anyway) and I've pretty much gotten used to being around my boys - their smell, their jokes and antics, their laughter, their fights. Now, whenever my friends would invite me out, I rarely, as in RARELY, yield to them. Why? Because I'm worried that I'd miss them too much that I wouldn’t really enjoy the outing and thus become a party pooper. This led me to theorize that I've got separation anxiety. Oh my…

I've got an out-of-town sashay planned at the end of the month. Now let me tell you that my emotional range is boundless - ergo, I am nicknamed "EMOTERA" by close friends. As the day of this planned junket approaches, I find myself feeling uneasy, again, because I'm worried about the boys. Sometimes I've got racing thoughts before I go to sleep (and racing thoughts are scary - it's a symptom of depression) that give me palpitations literally. I know, I know - you would say that I'm OA but I really can't help it. This absolutely distresses me and keeps me up at night and the only way that keeps my brain to shut these thoughts off is by praying. Yes my dears, I DO know how to pray. Hey, I went to a Catholic university during high school for Pete's sake - why am I explaining myself anyway?

So…I've been psyching myself lately to be excited for this upcoming trip, and I am. In fact, my eldest son has been encouraging me to do or buy something for myself so when a friend of mine told me about this excursion, I decided to go for it - another way to also de-stress. I'm hoping and praying that it would be worth it.

I should be deliriously freakin' happy and agog.

25 THINGS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply g ets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.

19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.

20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)

21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.

23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

25. Never apologize for being you!

AMIGOS Y AMIGAS

it's been like ages since i poured out my catharsis here..i've been through hell and back, but there are good days for me fortunately, making me think that i really must have done something good in my life (maybe it was the day i helped an old woman cross the street or the day i gave 20 bucks to a homeless guy...)

oh gawd, what the heck, all of us deal with different types of crap from the moment we were born and perhaps confront them in our own weird way.. LIFE is, most of the time, complicated (--i really luvv this word :D) and overrated (and so with everything else in this world) and that's the freakin' truth..sometimes, it makes us do things that we painstakingly try transform ourselves into a different entity, until one day we realize we just don't like the person we've become..

but i guess this is why friendship is formulated...and i'm just SO glad that i have friends who i turn to everytime i have the urge to yammer and bitch around incessantly..and these friends NEVER fail to listen and accept me for who or what i am...their just being there for me is enough..i am content with it...it's a vice versa thing though, as i always tell them that they can always come to me even if they just wanna throw a fit, get bitchy or cranky, or perhaps they just feel like fidgeting and what-not, and i would gladly welcome them with open arms and let them be ...

this thing that we have has an upside..sometimes, if we feel like we just want to feel miserable together (e.g., just sitting and laze around with that far-away look on our faces while twisting several strands of hair and not uttering a single syllable), we do that..it makes yammering and whining a lot of fun because it makes me feel that i'm not alone in my "pathetic-ness" and sometimes it makes me realize that some of them have even bigger challenges than moi..(hence the cliche "misery loves company")...

ergo, i would like to say "THANK YOU" to these great and rare beings i call friends...thanks for putting up with my sh!t and im sorry if ever i've hurt u in one way or another..i want u guys to know that your friendship is cherished and is of great value to me..it's a relief that there are still people like u in this gene pool and i sure hope that u don't have a "Best Before" seal stuck on ur foreheads...

with that said (or written), here's a toast for u.. KAMPAI!!!