Sunday, August 17, 2008


I'm worried…as usual…I practically worry about everything…sometimes I think it's the borderline between paranoia and sanity. Things that worry me are, for instance, me being a mom. Am I doing a good job raising my kids? Have I taught them enough? Have I shown them that I love them? It's not like I just gave birth to them for crying out loud, but as they grow older, of course the situation becomes different -- greater challenges are at hand.

I am now working at home. I'm really very thankful for this because this way, I could spend more time with them --- I wouldn’t be an "absentee" mother (as one of uncles used to say because he said that I always come home late from work ergo the kids are asleep by then). When I was working in an office, honestly, it gave me a sense of individuality somehow, a sense of being me, the independent office woman, not the mother. I also used to go out a lot with friends or cousins. Yes, I would feel guilty about it most of the time, but they would tell me not to because it should be a time for myself. Whenever I spend on something for me, I also feel guilty, as I would think that with that money, I could've bought something for the kids. Again, my friends would chide me stating that I should indulge sometimes, that I deserve a "reward". Anyhow, now that I work from home, I seldom go out (which is more of my choice anyway) and I've pretty much gotten used to being around my boys - their smell, their jokes and antics, their laughter, their fights. Now, whenever my friends would invite me out, I rarely, as in RARELY, yield to them. Why? Because I'm worried that I'd miss them too much that I wouldn’t really enjoy the outing and thus become a party pooper. This led me to theorize that I've got separation anxiety. Oh my…

I've got an out-of-town sashay planned at the end of the month. Now let me tell you that my emotional range is boundless - ergo, I am nicknamed "EMOTERA" by close friends. As the day of this planned junket approaches, I find myself feeling uneasy, again, because I'm worried about the boys. Sometimes I've got racing thoughts before I go to sleep (and racing thoughts are scary - it's a symptom of depression) that give me palpitations literally. I know, I know - you would say that I'm OA but I really can't help it. This absolutely distresses me and keeps me up at night and the only way that keeps my brain to shut these thoughts off is by praying. Yes my dears, I DO know how to pray. Hey, I went to a Catholic university during high school for Pete's sake - why am I explaining myself anyway?

So…I've been psyching myself lately to be excited for this upcoming trip, and I am. In fact, my eldest son has been encouraging me to do or buy something for myself so when a friend of mine told me about this excursion, I decided to go for it - another way to also de-stress. I'm hoping and praying that it would be worth it.

I should be deliriously freakin' happy and agog.

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