Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Biting the Dust

i have suddenly become resentful of everything. what bugs me is the realization that my life has been a string of cliches. the memories of having done good to others seemed bleak, nonexistent. but i guess all those do not really matter. maybe it's about time to stop being so damn caring about everyone else.

in general i really am not happy with the way my life is going. again, the happy memories are blurry. what happened? i seemed to be forever sinking. i was never successful. i was always an average person, not great at anything. i've always struggled with everything - money, love, and what-not. it's frustrating. they said it's good to go down because there would be no way else to go but up. but why does it seem to me that my life is nothing but a slow, agonizing plunge into the abyss? i may see something to hold on for a while but then it would always be taken away from me - life is that cruel because it would always manage to take it away from my grasp no matter how i'd cling onto it. it's crippling, desensitizing...it made me realize that i might just have to let myself get sucked down this hole...i'm way too tired to fight.

well i guess i just don't deserve to be happy.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Jann Arden - Hanging By A Thread

At Dagger's Drawn...(Almost)

I have always recognized that I have one of the lowest self esteems here on earth. Reason(s) for this, I believe, had been mentioned in one of my prior blabs here.

I would just like to reiterate that being insecure is not something to be proud of, in fact, I’ve been wanting to get rid of this in my system for such a long time already. Of course, there had been periods in my life where I can say that I was at my most confident – my “prime” so to speak, on the confidence level side. I was fun to be with, always laughing, not having a care in the world, living a carefree life, albeit still knowing what my boundaries are.

But I have allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, treated like a doormat – name it – by people. And I admit, up to now, I still sell myself short.

I have become a leech to some of my friends, sucking the life out of them. I feel like I’m drowning them with my miseries. Although I have apologized to them about this, I still feel guilty and feel bad because they too have their own difficulties and I feel inadequate to be the friend that they need me to be.

I used to be passive – I just take it all in, will just say nothing even if I’ve been wanting to explode for a long time just to avoid conflicts or confrontations. Somehow, I’m taking baby steps in learning how to voice out my opinions in the gentlest way possible so not to sound “opinionated” or narcissistic. Of course, some people who are used to my passivity might still be “shocked” about this, at same time, pushing me back into my shell (that’s how I see it). Like I said, baby steps – I’m still learning this thing. Yet, I guess it’s inevitable that some people will just provoke you – knowingly or unknowingly – that it would seem like you’re walking the thin line between love and hate…and this scares me a lot because, when push comes to shove, I don’t know what I’d be capable of doing.

I do not know why I always have this urge of proving my self worth to everybody. Does this make me KSP? Really, it’s hard to explain…and nobody might understand where I’m coming from and might see me as someone who is carrying a lot of emotional baggage, a jaded person, pathetic, and all those crappy terms. I don’t care anymore.

I am holding on to my faith, to my God.

I’m holding on to the belief that I deserve to be loved and to be cared for as any other person, that I am a worthy person.

Yet I find myself hanging by a thread…I’ve been trying with all my might to hold on but now I’m getting exhausted and I feel I’m slowly losing my grip. How can I hold on to something uncertain?

Have I made the right decision?