Sunday, June 11, 2017

CAGED


When someone becomes jaded, a lot of things change - well, basing on my own experience, i guess i did. Sometimes, i barely recognize myself anymore.

There would be times when i feel a lot - a lot of hurt, pain, helplessness, loss, happiness, or love - no, not all at once - that would make me one crazy person lol. They'd be just random feelings that would come and go. Sometimes, two feelings all at once, for instance, i'd felt happiness and loss at the same time, or hurt and love at the same time.

But then there would also be times that i would feel nothing at all, just devoid of anything - though maybe, i may have chosen not to feel anything at all. It may be my defense mechanism of sorts, just to avoid any future losses and/or pains.

Deep inside though, i know i have a lot of love to give, but i am just scared shitless to show it. It scares the hell out of me.

One thing i am sure of is that i still haven't gotten past the recovery period with all the things that have happened to me. I just buried everything deep inside but the scars, no, the wounds haven't healed yet.

In all honesty, i just want to be free from all this. I just want to live freely, not always worrying about what people or the society would think and just effin' move forward and be happy, not giving a shit about the norm, zero fucks given.

Yet, i'm still here shivering, cowering in the corner and biting back tears.

I just want to break free.

The irony of it all, is writing this on the 12th of June - the country's independence day.

Faak.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

#WHOGOAT (Late post)


If there's a Master's Degree of having your heart broken, I definitely would have one. I’m not talking about romantic relationships per se – I am referring to this as a general concept of relationships (family, friends, etc …) It is a tough thing to go through indeed and one would think that letting go would be easier as time goes by, but no. Perhaps because I tend to forget how that particularly feels, although we all know that it hurts like hell.

I have always believed that I wear my heart on my sleeves, but I realized that I really don’t – I ACTUALLY place it on the other person’s hand which allows them to drop it or even trample on it, heck, maybe just for the fun of it. My heart has been broken so many times already that it still amazes how the hell I am managing to hold it altogether - perhaps a little bit of glue here and a little bit of Band-Aid there, that’s how. LOL.

I stand by what my arm ink says: “I regret nothing.” We meet different kinds of people in our life – family members included. Each has a lesson to teach us, knowingly or unknowingly. And then there are the choices we make. Any sane person would know that every choice has its own consequence. We just have to be prepared for it and learn from it.

With each heartbreak comes what seems to be the most difficult part of it all – moving on. It is freakin’ hard because the pain is exquisitely gnawing, throbbing. I guess with time, I have become a better “coper.” I have learned that smiling more and laughing more help in burying all the hurt and the pain – be it past or present. It’s pretentious, yes, but to each his own right? What would give me away are my eyes; well, at least, those who know me too well can attest to that – my eyes never fail to betray me and it sucks.

Yes, sometimes, it sucks to be me.

But…with all these, I am slowly learning to love myself more. I have always admitted that I’ve self-esteem issues most of my life but now I am trying to get rid of ‘em – and I believe I am getting there, baby steps. My confidence is slowly building up and it’s a nice feeling. Self-respect is another thing I need to work on. It is true what they say, respect yourself and others will respect you. Somebody once told me that I am a pushover, and he may be right – although I have always believed that I am also kind which is also mistaken as being a pushover. :p

Happiness and love are not overrated. Again, let me be clear that I am talking in a general context. Our only enemy is ourselves. We can only allow ourselves to heal and move on. Broken or not, life is worth living. We should not eliminate love in our hearts. There are bigger problems out there – ours is just a tiny piece, and sometimes not even worth dwelling on.

I will continue to be a better person. That is a promise.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

THE FIX


"It's not always about trying to fix something that's broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better. - Unknown"

But what if, it’s always been a one-way street? You can’t fix something all by yourself. Just like almost everything else, some things cannot be fixed by one person alone; sometimes, it has to be a team effort.

Now comes the scary part. The one always trying to fix things may not be as patient as the last several times. Things can be pretty tiring if it’s the same old shit.

Yes, I am speaking for myself. I am fucking tired. Tired to do the right things, tired to fix things, tired to be pleasant and smiling all the time. I am just tired. And lonely.

Oh gosh, I’m the great pretender. So dramatic. Ugh.

I'm beginning to hate myself more.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Whoop, there it is!

When we have our sights on someone, we ladies are guilty with one thing: overanalyzing everything, to the nth power...even the nitty gritty details! And then, if our expectations are not met, we become frustrated and angry. Hello! Wake up ladies! This shouldn't be the case! Why do we have to consume copious amounts of brain enery over something..er, someone that don't even give a rat's ass about us?

Funny no? But yeah, admit it girl. You are guilty of this. Well stop. JUST. STOP. Don't think about the "shoulda woulda coulda" stuff - oh gosh please. If something would happen, it should have happened long ago...and since nada, MOVE THE F*CK ON!

Yeah babe, let go. You have wasted enough time and energy already. Stop replaying things in your head. This will just lead to bitterness and negativity so please, just get over it. Pull yourself out of this misery and enjoy life! Love yourself more girl. There are lots of fishes in the ocean. Stop dragging your self-esteem down the drain - you are too special for that.

Do not panic.. just remember, whatever or whoever is meant to be in your life will be there...so suck it all up, be patient (and yep, no matter what age you are), smile...breathe and stay beautiful inside out.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

THE (ST)RING


For the dating ladies out there…there are many who may be wondering: “Am I getting the string or the ring?”

Now sweetie, don’t be confused. When you are getting the “string” it means you are just being strung along. Of course, if you are getting the “ring” it means that the guy you are dating is dead serious with you – yay!

So...you may be thinking: “How would I know if I’m being strung along?”

I am no relationship or dating expert so I took it upon myself to reading different articles regarding this…erm…dilemma.

1. NO LABELS – This, of course, means he doesn’t want to give your so-called relationship a status. He usually refers to you as his “good friend” when introducing you or talking about you to other people. While there might be nothing wrong with that, it sure would be good to know if he is serious with what you have. He shouldn’t be afraid to call you his girlfriend or his woman. He would tell you directly that he wants a relationship. If he cringes or withdraws whenever this topic comes up, walk away. Do not be in denial.

2. HE IS NOT VERY COMFORTABLE BEING SEEN WITH YOU IN PUBLIC – If he sweet talks and butters you up in private, but very uncomfortable doing so in public, it means he just doesn’t care about you, period. Do not be confused. Save your energy.

3. HE IS ONLY AROUND WHEN HE WANTS TO BE – He has these long periods of absences. He just drops off the face of the earth one day and then suddenly… he is back, maybe even expecting things to pick up where you left off. Texts and chats with you again. Although at one point or another, he may have been REALLY busy. So basically, you might like to trust your gut on this. If this becomes a habit of his though…well, the answer is obvious.

4. TWO WORDS: MIND GAMES – For the human behavior, one definition is this: A largely conscious struggle for psychological one-upmanship, often employing passive–aggressive behavior to specifically demoralize or empower the thinking subject, making the aggressor look superior; also referred to as "power games" (Source: Wikipedia). In layman’s words, if he is making you crazy not knowing whether he is really into you or not, do not decode his actions and overthink because it just means 98% that he is not into you. Because if he is, he will tell you straight up and make it clear.

5. HE SEEMS INTERESTED IN YOU AGAIN WHEN HE SEES “COMPETITION” – This guy thinks to himself that he’s got you wrapped around his fingers and becomes complacent...until he sees another guy sweet talking or flirting with you. Suddenly, he’s interested in you again. And when that other guy becomes interested in somebody else, he’s missing in action again. Oh yes, this is the reality - he just likes to keep you handy,you are a place holder, an after-thought, a date du jour or a for-the-moment companion.

To summarize, when a guy is serious with you, he will grow a pair and be man enough not to make excuses to be with you. Yes, he might tell you lots of great things but he’ll still have a lot of excuses about not being ready right now. He just does not want you the way you want him. You don’t want to be in an “on today, off tomorrow” relationship do you? Do not settle for less and stop wasting time on these types of people. Save time and save your energy. There are lots of fishes in the ocean as they say. Go and test the waters.

Do not settle for less because you are worth more than that. Stop feeling hurt every time he treats you this way. It is really unhealthy.

It is easy to tell oneself that things are fine and just ignore what is going on. This is plain denial. And this does not change anything – it just prolongs it.

Cut the friggin’ string and run. FAST.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

HOPIA

"HOPIA"
A hopia is a bean-filled pastry originally introduced by Fujianese immigrants in urban centres of both countries around the turn of the twentieth century. (Source: Wikipedia.) In bekinese (read: gay lingo), it means "hope." Thus, it can be used as an adverb or adjective, e.g., humopia, pahopia, etc. Kapag feelingera or feelingero ka sa "kras" mo, humuhopia ka. Kapag nabigo ka, sasabihin mo naman sya itong pahopia. Naturally, this also applies to other aspects in life such as friendship, a job, a promise, or all of the above, yes, ALL OF THE ABOVE. (At dahil napapanahon, sige na nga, very applicable din sya sa Meralco. Lels!) The point is... ang hirap maging hopia, especially if what is at stake here is your pangkabuhayan showcase and friendship. It is a wound that is so difficult to heal and a broken trust that only time can repair. This is also a test of faith because you know that forgiveness is the key, yet you find yourself uttering pleas to God asking Him to heal you so you can forgive...and you still could not do so. Slowly, but surely we pick up the pieces, hoping and praying to be restored soon. Ayown. Just sayin'. Good morning y'all! #sorrynotsorry #hugot

Monday, June 30, 2014

The Gut Instinct

I have been through a lot. I'm a survivor. My undying motto is "to go with the flow." But there is always the end of the rope. There always comes a time when we have to know when to put our foot down. We should not turn a deaf ear on our instincts bec our gut is always right. But timing is everything. There must be a game plan, otherwise, we might still be on the losing end. However, we also must know when it's time to give up and let things take its course. Ugh. Me and my dramatics.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Oh No!

I realized that I do not know myself anymore. I have become a weakling. I am not the same person that i used to be -- adventurous, willing to take risks, fight for what i want and strong enough to make decisions whether or not i am in my comfort zone or not. Alas. I have become a coward. I am too scared to do all the above. Oh no! I'm AFRAIDY AGUILAR! :((

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Still on the "T" Word....

There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — it grows (or RE-grows) over time. ******************************************************
Oh, how i missed blogging!

The "T" Word (and rebuilding it...)

Rome wasn't built in a day. It did not happen overnight. The process took time. It was a long and slow journey for the workers, and took a lot of patience. If patience was not the greatest virtue of those builders, there would be no Rome today. The same goes for us, people. Everything in life is not always easy. We must learn to walk before we can run. And the best way to be understood is to be understanding. "The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it open." -Arnold Glasgow (written on July 30, 2012)

REBUKE

WHEN PEOPLE REBUKE US...some of us might be taken aback because we never noticed or felt that we have anything to do with what is happening, and then we go on blaming other people, then complain or feel victimized -- now all we see is how the other person treats us and then choose to be stuck in thinking that we are the "victim" because that is way much easier. This is far from the truth, but an unfortunate reality for some. As a friend put it, "the mentality of an underachiever."
Solution? Take responsibility. I read somewhere that "Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding." In life, we either respond or react. So instead of reacting or overreacting, we should respond to the situation by realizing that, yes, we are part of the problem. It may be hard to admit that, but we can proactively approach the situation instead of playing the blame game and seek to understand before being understood. "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." -- Proverbs 12:1 (NIV) (written on July 22, 2012)

RELATIVity

Our family members, yes, RELATIVES, are supposed to protect us, make us feel secure and safe, not knock us down or bully us. Yet, time and again we get disrespected or disregarded because of the mistakes that we have or have not made. We can try to understand what drove them to do so, although there would be always be the possibility that we may never understand their reasons. Forgiveness is the key of course, but, it's just sad that these people are our "family" - and they are the ones who quickly judge us. I read somewhere that "A great family member will show you the tarnish, but then sit with you and help you clean and polish until you gleam again. It is an experience that although uncomfortable still feels productive and safe." This SHOULD be the case. Well, to each his own. As Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Bato-bato sa langit! Good afternoon y'all! :) (written on July 18, 2012)

Happy birthday bunsoy!

Happy 15th birthday to my bunsoy, Elijah Bonaobra...Wow, 15 years! We have seen you grow up to what you are right now and it has been one super roller coaster ride. We wish you well for the roller coaster ride that your life is now about to throw to you! Happy Birthday Kukuy! We love you! - love mommy, daddy and kuya (written on July 14, 2012)

Monday, April 9, 2012

Crystal clear...

I am never enough for anybody. When I was a child, I was always compared to somebody better. ("Why can't you be like ____ who does well in Math/has high grades?" Why don't you imitate ____?")

As an adult, I would always play second or third fiddle; e.g., as a wife, there would always be somebody better than me, ergo, the infidelities.

Yes, I am being swallowed in the dark hole of self-pity. But I am dead tired of never being able to meet one's expectations. To always be a disappointment. When people treat me well, only a few of them are really genuine about it. Otherwise, it's either they only want something in return OR they are just "obligated" to do it -- just so that I wouldn't feel bad (or make them look bad). Come on. Nobody has to patronize me. I don't like "owing" anybody anything!

So really, it's very obvious. There is something wrong with me. I would never be good enough. I might not even be really worth it.

Perhaps, everything is just a facade.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Crumble, crumble

"You cannot let go of anything if you cannot notice that you are holding it. Admit your 'weaknesses' and watch them morph into your greatest strengths." --------Neale Donald Walsch


I missed writing here. We'll I won't be writing a lengthy piece at this time. Just something that occurred to me.

Some people are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together. Sometimes though, getting a couple of cuts might be worth it, sometimes it's not.





After all, the only thing that keeps it together is either the glue or tape that we put on it, but try removing even just the tiniest bit and it will go crumbling down.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Biting the Dust




i have suddenly become resentful of everything. what bugs me is the realization that my life has been a string of cliches. the memories of having done good to others seemed bleak, nonexistent. but i guess all those do not really matter. maybe it's about time to stop being so damn caring about everyone else.

in general i really am not happy with the way my life is going. again, the happy memories are blurry. what happened? i seemed to be forever sinking. i was never successful. i was always an average person, not great at anything. i've always struggled with everything - money, love, and what-not. it's frustrating. they said it's good to go down because there would be no way else to go but up. but why does it seem to me that my life is nothing but a slow, agonizing plunge into the abyss? i may see something to hold on for a while but then it would always be taken away from me - life is that cruel because it would always manage to take it away from my grasp no matter how i'd cling onto it. it's crippling, desensitizing...it made me realize that i might just have to let myself get sucked down this hole...i'm way too tired to fight.

well i guess i just don't deserve to be happy.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Jann Arden - Hanging By A Thread

At Dagger's Drawn...(Almost)






I have always recognized that I have one of the lowest self esteems here on earth. Reason(s) for this, I believe, had been mentioned in one of my prior blabs here.

I would just like to reiterate that being insecure is not something to be proud of, in fact, I’ve been wanting to get rid of this in my system for such a long time already. Of course, there had been periods in my life where I can say that I was at my most confident – my “prime” so to speak, on the confidence level side. I was fun to be with, always laughing, not having a care in the world, living a carefree life, albeit still knowing what my boundaries are.

But I have allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, treated like a doormat – name it – by people. And I admit, up to now, I still sell myself short.

I have become a leech to some of my friends, sucking the life out of them. I feel like I’m drowning them with my miseries. Although I have apologized to them about this, I still feel guilty and feel bad because they too have their own difficulties and I feel inadequate to be the friend that they need me to be.

I used to be passive – I just take it all in, will just say nothing even if I’ve been wanting to explode for a long time just to avoid conflicts or confrontations. Somehow, I’m taking baby steps in learning how to voice out my opinions in the gentlest way possible so not to sound “opinionated” or narcissistic. Of course, some people who are used to my passivity might still be “shocked” about this, at same time, pushing me back into my shell (that’s how I see it). Like I said, baby steps – I’m still learning this thing. Yet, I guess it’s inevitable that some people will just provoke you – knowingly or unknowingly – that it would seem like you’re walking the thin line between love and hate…and this scares me a lot because, when push comes to shove, I don’t know what I’d be capable of doing.

I do not know why I always have this urge of proving my self worth to everybody. Does this make me KSP? Really, it’s hard to explain…and nobody might understand where I’m coming from and might see me as someone who is carrying a lot of emotional baggage, a jaded person, pathetic, and all those crappy terms. I don’t care anymore.

I am holding on to my faith, to my God.

I’m holding on to the belief that I deserve to be loved and to be cared for as any other person, that I am a worthy person.

Yet I find myself hanging by a thread…I’ve been trying with all my might to hold on but now I’m getting exhausted and I feel I’m slowly losing my grip. How can I hold on to something uncertain?

Have I made the right decision?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

THE LUNATIC FIDDLER

They say, silence is golden.



It isn’t always. It is exasperating at times.

Sometimes, keeping mum about some things is simply a better option to avoid hurting people especially if you knew they had been under the weather in an emotional kind of way (which makes you want to retort, “Hey, what about what I’VE been through?”)

Yes, keeping it all bottled up – and you become quite good at it somehow. Sure, it’s not healthy. One might ask, “Then why?” One, fear, as in you are scared – scared that if you voice out your opinion (especially about a very sensitive matter), that it would be taken the wrong way and you might offend the person (which is really NOT a very pleasant feeling, i.e., offending somebody). Two, being labeled, a.k.a. being a nag or paranoid.

Perhaps in silence, you would be asked what is wrong but you would just keep quiet and shake your head –though deep inside you are imploding. You are almost always prompted to answer, “I don’t want to tell you what’s bothering me because every time I try to open my mouth, fear sets in because I might say the wrong words again that will make you feel bad…and then I’ll feel bad because in the end, the blame would be on me.”

Reasoning would always fail you. So then, to avoid further dispute, you keep quiet…and deflect. It becomes your stance – when repelled, you counter-repel.

Silence is not really an excuse. We just don’t want to be labeled as someone who is nit-picking on everything or paranoid/lunatic or simply not just making an effort to understand the person. If just by reiterating something (especially unintentionally) would make us sound like a nag, then what better way than to keep our mouth shut?

It's either that or risk becoming the "kontrabida" or "negastar" in the person's life.

*******************



I admit, I am a very insecure person – and this is not something I am proud of. I finally got to the bottom of it all, why all these insecurities. I grew up being compared to somebody else, that blah is better than me, why don’t I follow blah’s footsteps…and not really hearing positive things about one’s appearance just only added insult to injury. Then come adult life, being betrayed not only once is like putting salt into an open wound.

Yes, it seems I’ve played the second fiddle over and over again.

Being the second, if not, third choice (sometimes not being one of the options at all) gave more blow to my self-esteem, ergo, I’ve always necessitated constant reassurance and the need for chronic appreciation is there too. Every rejection induced a sense of being a total failure and had me suffer bouts of irrational jealousy. Again, admitting all of these is not with great pride – I am deeply ashamed.

Ever since I have accepted the Lord in my heart and in my life, I have learned that all these emotions are wrong. Every person is equal in the eyes of the Almighty. I am but just human and every now and then I still struggle with all of these negativity, and I know, with faith in Him, I will be able to move on and be brave enough to face all the rejections I would encounter in this lifetime.

I just hope and pray my family and friends would be patient with me.