#WHOGOAT (Late post)

If there's a Master's Degree of having your heart broken, I definitely would have one. I’m not talking about romantic relationships per se – I am referring to this as a general concept of relationships (family, friends, etc …) It is a tough thing to go through indeed and one would think that letting go would be easier as time goes by, but no. Perhaps because I tend to forget how that particularly feels, although we all know that it hurts like hell.

I have always believed that I wear my heart on my sleeves, but I realized that I really don’t – I ACTUALLY place it on the other person’s hand which allows them to drop it or even trample on it, heck, maybe just for the fun of it. My heart has been broken so many times already that it still amazes how the hell I am managing to hold it altogether - perhaps a little bit of glue here and a little bit of Band-Aid there, that’s how. LOL.

I stand by what my arm ink says: “I regret nothing.” We meet different kinds of people in our life – family members included. Each has a lesson to teach us, knowingly or unknowingly. And then there are the choices we make. Any sane person would know that every choice has its own consequence. We just have to be prepared for it and learn from it.

With each heartbreak comes what seems to be the most difficult part of it all – moving on. It is freakin’ hard because the pain is exquisitely gnawing, throbbing. I guess with time, I have become a better “coper.” I have learned that smiling more and laughing more help in burying all the hurt and the pain – be it past or present. It’s pretentious, yes, but to each his own right? What would give me away are my eyes; well, at least, those who know me too well can attest to that – my eyes never fail to betray me and it sucks.

Yes, sometimes, it sucks to be me.

But…with all these, I am slowly learning to love myself more. I have always admitted that I’ve self-esteem issues most of my life but now I am trying to get rid of ‘em – and I believe I am getting there, baby steps. My confidence is slowly building up and it’s a nice feeling. Self-respect is another thing I need to work on. It is true what they say, respect yourself and others will respect you. Somebody once told me that I am a pushover, and he may be right – although I have always believed that I am also kind which is also mistaken as being a pushover. :p

Happiness and love are not overrated. Again, let me be clear that I am talking in a general context. Our only enemy is ourselves. We can only allow ourselves to heal and move on. Broken or not, life is worth living. We should not eliminate love in our hearts. There are bigger problems out there – ours is just a tiny piece, and sometimes not even worth dwelling on.

I will continue to be a better person. That is a promise.

Oh No!

I realized that I do not know myself anymore. I have become a weakling. I am not the same person that i used to be -- adventurous, willing to take risks, fight for what i want and strong enough to make decisions whether or not i am in my comfort zone or not. Alas. I have become a coward. I am too scared to do all the above. Oh no! I'm AFRAIDY AGUILAR! :((

REBUKE

WHEN PEOPLE REBUKE US...some of us might be taken aback because we never noticed or felt that we have anything to do with what is happening, and then we go on blaming other people, then complain or feel victimized -- now all we see is how the other person treats us and then choose to be stuck in thinking that we are the "victim" because that is way much easier. This is far from the truth, but an unfortunate reality for some. As a friend put it, "the mentality of an underachiever."

Solution? Take responsibility. I read somewhere that "Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding." In life, we either respond or react. So instead of reacting or overreacting, we should respond to the situation by realizing that, yes, we are part of the problem. It may be hard to admit that, but we can proactively approach the situation instead of playing the blame game and seek to understand before being understood. "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." -- Proverbs 12:1 (NIV) (written on July 22, 2012)

Crystal clear...

I am never enough for anybody. When I was a child, I was always compared to somebody better. ("Why can't you be like ____ who does well in Math/has high grades?" Why don't you imitate ____?")

As an adult, I would always play second or third fiddle; e.g., as a wife, there would always be somebody better than me, ergo, the infidelities.

Yes, I am being swallowed in the dark hole of self-pity. But I am dead tired of never being able to meet one's expectations. To always be a disappointment. When people treat me well, only a few of them are really genuine about it. Otherwise, it's either they only want something in return OR they are just "obligated" to do it -- just so that I wouldn't feel bad (or make them look bad). Come on. Nobody has to patronize me. I don't like "owing" anybody anything!

So really, it's very obvious. There is something wrong with me. I would never be good enough. I might not even be really worth it.

Perhaps, everything is just a facade.

Crumble, crumble

"You cannot let go of anything if you cannot notice that you are holding it. Admit your 'weaknesses' and watch them morph into your greatest strengths." --------Neale Donald Walsch


I missed writing here. We'll I won't be writing a lengthy piece at this time. Just something that occurred to me.

Some people are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together. Sometimes though, getting a couple of cuts might be worth it, sometimes it's not.





After all, the only thing that keeps it together is either the glue or tape that we put on it, but try removing even just the tiniest bit and it will go crumbling down.

Biting the Dust

i have suddenly become resentful of everything. what bugs me is the realization that my life has been a string of cliches. the memories of having done good to others seemed bleak, nonexistent. but i guess all those do not really matter. maybe it's about time to stop being so damn caring about everyone else.

in general i really am not happy with the way my life is going. again, the happy memories are blurry. what happened? i seemed to be forever sinking. i was never successful. i was always an average person, not great at anything. i've always struggled with everything - money, love, and what-not. it's frustrating. they said it's good to go down because there would be no way else to go but up. but why does it seem to me that my life is nothing but a slow, agonizing plunge into the abyss? i may see something to hold on for a while but then it would always be taken away from me - life is that cruel because it would always manage to take it away from my grasp no matter how i'd cling onto it. it's crippling, desensitizing...it made me realize that i might just have to let myself get sucked down this hole...i'm way too tired to fight.

well i guess i just don't deserve to be happy.

At Dagger's Drawn...(Almost)

I have always recognized that I have one of the lowest self esteems here on earth. Reason(s) for this, I believe, had been mentioned in one of my prior blabs here.

I would just like to reiterate that being insecure is not something to be proud of, in fact, I’ve been wanting to get rid of this in my system for such a long time already. Of course, there had been periods in my life where I can say that I was at my most confident – my “prime” so to speak, on the confidence level side. I was fun to be with, always laughing, not having a care in the world, living a carefree life, albeit still knowing what my boundaries are.

But I have allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, treated like a doormat – name it – by people. And I admit, up to now, I still sell myself short.

I have become a leech to some of my friends, sucking the life out of them. I feel like I’m drowning them with my miseries. Although I have apologized to them about this, I still feel guilty and feel bad because they too have their own difficulties and I feel inadequate to be the friend that they need me to be.

I used to be passive – I just take it all in, will just say nothing even if I’ve been wanting to explode for a long time just to avoid conflicts or confrontations. Somehow, I’m taking baby steps in learning how to voice out my opinions in the gentlest way possible so not to sound “opinionated” or narcissistic. Of course, some people who are used to my passivity might still be “shocked” about this, at same time, pushing me back into my shell (that’s how I see it). Like I said, baby steps – I’m still learning this thing. Yet, I guess it’s inevitable that some people will just provoke you – knowingly or unknowingly – that it would seem like you’re walking the thin line between love and hate…and this scares me a lot because, when push comes to shove, I don’t know what I’d be capable of doing.

I do not know why I always have this urge of proving my self worth to everybody. Does this make me KSP? Really, it’s hard to explain…and nobody might understand where I’m coming from and might see me as someone who is carrying a lot of emotional baggage, a jaded person, pathetic, and all those crappy terms. I don’t care anymore.

I am holding on to my faith, to my God.

I’m holding on to the belief that I deserve to be loved and to be cared for as any other person, that I am a worthy person.

Yet I find myself hanging by a thread…I’ve been trying with all my might to hold on but now I’m getting exhausted and I feel I’m slowly losing my grip. How can I hold on to something uncertain?

Have I made the right decision?

THE LUNATIC FIDDLER

They say, silence is golden.



It isn’t always. It is exasperating at times.

Sometimes, keeping mum about some things is simply a better option to avoid hurting people especially if you knew they had been under the weather in an emotional kind of way (which makes you want to retort, “Hey, what about what I’VE been through?”)

Yes, keeping it all bottled up – and you become quite good at it somehow. Sure, it’s not healthy. One might ask, “Then why?” One, fear, as in you are scared – scared that if you voice out your opinion (especially about a very sensitive matter), that it would be taken the wrong way and you might offend the person (which is really NOT a very pleasant feeling, i.e., offending somebody). Two, being labeled, a.k.a. being a nag or paranoid.

Perhaps in silence, you would be asked what is wrong but you would just keep quiet and shake your head –though deep inside you are imploding. You are almost always prompted to answer, “I don’t want to tell you what’s bothering me because every time I try to open my mouth, fear sets in because I might say the wrong words again that will make you feel bad…and then I’ll feel bad because in the end, the blame would be on me.”

Reasoning would always fail you. So then, to avoid further dispute, you keep quiet…and deflect. It becomes your stance – when repelled, you counter-repel.

Silence is not really an excuse. We just don’t want to be labeled as someone who is nit-picking on everything or paranoid/lunatic or simply not just making an effort to understand the person. If just by reiterating something (especially unintentionally) would make us sound like a nag, then what better way than to keep our mouth shut?

It's either that or risk becoming the "kontrabida" or "negastar" in the person's life.

*******************



I admit, I am a very insecure person – and this is not something I am proud of. I finally got to the bottom of it all, why all these insecurities. I grew up being compared to somebody else, that blah is better than me, why don’t I follow blah’s footsteps…and not really hearing positive things about one’s appearance just only added insult to injury. Then come adult life, being betrayed not only once is like putting salt into an open wound.

Yes, it seems I’ve played the second fiddle over and over again.

Being the second, if not, third choice (sometimes not being one of the options at all) gave more blow to my self-esteem, ergo, I’ve always necessitated constant reassurance and the need for chronic appreciation is there too. Every rejection induced a sense of being a total failure and had me suffer bouts of irrational jealousy. Again, admitting all of these is not with great pride – I am deeply ashamed.

Ever since I have accepted the Lord in my heart and in my life, I have learned that all these emotions are wrong. Every person is equal in the eyes of the Almighty. I am but just human and every now and then I still struggle with all of these negativity, and I know, with faith in Him, I will be able to move on and be brave enough to face all the rejections I would encounter in this lifetime.

I just hope and pray my family and friends would be patient with me.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BRATINELLO AND BRATINELLA

Since nobody is really reading this blog, it's not really important when I last wrote here, nobody cares anyway. Still, I'd like to say that I haven’t really posted in a while partly because of the so-called blogger's block and partly because I wasn’t that INSPIRED anymore -- I guess, the muses have abandoned me. Lol.

As always, the times where the itch to write was great, however, would come on unexpected situations or when I am lying in bed, trying my best to fall asleep. My thoughts would be running around in circles, jumping from one topic to another (isn’t this scary?!) and I literally would become nauseous -- perhaps because my neurons, if any, are exhausted. Eventually though, sleep would come.

The latest "topic" that came to mind is about how our friends are not alike. Of course obviously, they have different personalities and traits but still, they are your friends. We have learned to treasure them.

We have friends that we could call our "soulmates" because of being in sync with us at all times. There are also the sweet and thoughtful friends -- those who, regardless of not seeing/hearing from them for a while, are still the same old chums you used to know. For instance, some of my high school and college friends --- they may have changed physically, but they were the same boys/girls you used to know. We also have our weird but lovable friends -- you have nothing in common with them, yet you "click."

Now we also have friends who seemed to have metamorphosed -- no, not into cute little butterflies, but into monsters of sorts. Of course the cliché, "Only CHANGE is permanent in this world" comes to mind, and while that is true (and a perfect excuse), I have concluded that this metamorphosis has a common denomination: OVERINDULGENCE.

A.k.a. the spoiled brats.

These are the ones who want to be treated like they are Mr./Ms. High and Mighty and yes, they are Mr./Ms. Perfect. When you're friends with them, be afraid…Be very afraid. If for them you are not an EQUAL, I assure you, you will be treated like crap. If you're such a very unfortunate individual, you can also become their favorite pal to pick on. This then will make you feel like crap too and then you adapt the habit of belittling yourself.

You will feel miniscule just like an amoeba floating in the toilet bowl --- amongst the shit.

Yeah…SUPER.

In spite of the fact that you have "served" them well, humbled yourself upon them, and apologized profusely when you know you are the one at fault, still these supposed friends of yours will never fail to make you feel so bad that your gut hurts.

Still you try…and try…and try harder and harder…all to no avail. Perhaps it is easier for them to ignore you.

Admittedly, we have chosen them to be a part of our lives; yet we also have a choice to let them go.

So why prolong the agony? You should not be somebody's beck and call. The minute this realization sinks in, you should run. FAST. Never look back. These people are not worthy of you. It is a waste of time and energy pleasing these people. Do not overburden yourself with them. Instead, prioritize your other friends -- those who really truly care for you and love and accept you and most of all, RESPECT you for who you are, albeit the arguments and fights, big or small, that you have with them.

This friendship is long past its expiration date. Don’t stay just out of habit.

It is time to cut them loose.

OH WELL...

I really miss blogging. Yet here i am, again, at a loss for words. I've been trying to wrack my brain for something to write about these past several months. Maybe i've become lazy also and may just be making an excuse for not having been able to write.

Hmmm... As of the moment, i am multitasking - working (editing) and blogging. How come, you would ask... Well, i guess, though i still don't have any idea of what to write here, i've got this intense urge to still jot down perhaps just a few sentences.

One thing is for sure, i'd say that i'm quite a stubborn person. I've recently experienced another (yes, another one) stupidity wherein i don't have to wait for my friends' wagging fingers while saying, "tsk, tsk...i told you so!" because all i have to do is look in the mirror and say that to myself - of course, with matching slapping of the forehead drama. Oh well, i guess i haven't learned that's all. I still want to believe that in every person's rude/aggressive exterior lies a good heart, somehow, lurking inside, just waiting to be tapped. Of course, being the dramatic person that i am, i've always wanted to be the "heroine" who would be able to make the "good" person come out. Alas, i've failed... Again...

Blimey.

SO DANG CONFUSING

So friggin' frustrated.

Struggling to understand.

It's not even worth it, yet, here I am…again…

What is it that I still don’t know?

I just want to understand…I might be missing something here…

But of course honesty is overrated…nevertheless, just a teeny weeny bit wouldn’t hurt, would it? Just to make room for more understanding…and knowledge…as such, mistakes or misconceptions won't be made again…

Either I'm that dense or just plain freakin' dumb.

WHAT THE??!!!

CEREBRAL CORROSION

I just couldn’t get over the fact that I haven’t been writing something here. I've been putting off most things the past few months. Yeah, of course I noticed. There had been moments where I would have this gripping desire of jotting down thoughts or emotions, even through using my mobile phone, but then again I would end up getting lazy and again putting it off.

I feel like my brain cells are getting rustier by the minute. I mostly couldn’t think of things to write about -- those "moments" I mentioned earlier are quite rare. It's really kind of pretty scary as I love writing. I don’t want to blame it on the so-called "writer's block" because I'm not really that one helluva writer so if I use that, it would be a lame, pathetic excuse.

I dunno. I feel senseless, witless, dull…I guess my neurons are not that quick anymore.

Now please allow me to borrow Jessica Zafra's line: "I think I should get a lobotomy."

P.S.

I think I'm back into my "bad" ways…

Holy crap.

A LITTLE RANT

Yeah, yeah..So it's been a month.

I'm friggin' bored. And I'm effin' pissed. I want to go to the beach. I want to travel. I want to go on sabbatical.

But guess what?

I COULDN'T AFFORD THESE THINGS.

I know, i know, such negativity huh? But i'm just being honest. I barely have money left every payday - almost everything goes to bills and debts to pay. Add to that what little I've been producing and of course, little production equals little salary.

I barely have a social life, let alone a fun life.

Now that's why I am such a negative Nancy.

So sue me.

BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO

This blog has taken a back burner since last month. There are times that I would want to write something but then another more important matter would come up so I'd end up forgetting the whole writing thing altogether.

It's February now. Besides Valentine's day, things had happened to me - physically. No, I didn't transform into a more radiant being nor did I become a black-winged monster, but I got sick - twice to be exact. The first one was during the first week of the month. I had a bout of tonsillitis and of course, tonsillitis equals fever. So I suffered for four days. I treated it with pain relievers and mostly conservative treatment - meaning lots of fluids. I didn’t get the rest I really wanted but I tried to take a nap in between work. So then I got better. I celebrated my being tonsillitis-free with tequila - two bottles of tequila, that is. Of course, it wasn’t all me, my brother was there along with two close friends.

The following week, I got an ear infection. See, I got this habit of constantly cleaning my ears - sometimes I'd do it three times a day. I know, I know. My bad huh? But I can't help it, I swear. So there you go - otitis externa. Imagine my dilemma, I do listening for a living. I had to listen to dictations using one ear. And by golly, the pain! It's just so friggin unbearable! Of course, I took mefenamic acid then NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) and had otic drops, but really, I just couldn’t take it - mind you, I consider myself to have a high pain tolerance. There was this one moment, while working in the wee hours of the morning, that I decided to take one capsule of mefenamic acid then a nap to help maybe ease the pain. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a shut-eye because of the damn pain. And I ended up crying. Boo-hoo.

Everybody was telling me to go to the doctor (even my mom called) and I keep on telling them that I would. I was even at home on Valentine's day instead of celebrating out because of this infection. I cried buckets of tears - yes, I admit because it's V-Day and because of intolerable pain. (Oh, my brother and cousin-in-law both gave me roses so I cried - again.)

My youngest son gave me a Valentine card in advance with our picture in it so just thinking about it that day also gave me the sniffles. Then, my eldest, who is supposedly the sweeter one, forgot to greet me or say the usual "I love u" routine. Boo-hoo.

It was today that I'm supposed to get my ear checked up. But I'm feeling better already. I can hear a little clearly now and there is little, if any, pain.

So there.

P.S. - I sent this text message to a friend during V-Day. I actually got it from the web and changed it a little bit. Here goes:

Never say "I love you" if you don’t care.
Never talk about feelings if they're not there.
Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart.
The cruelest thing to do is to let someone fall in love with you when you don’t intend to catch that someone fall.

Yun na.

P.P.S.

Another friend said Valentine's day is also known as "Single Awareness Day" which of course has the acronym SAD. No pun intended. Cool!

2008 - THE WHOLE NINE YARDS...

It's been a long time since i've visited and written here. I was really planning on writing last December, at least before 2008 ended, however, I just didn't have time to do so. I've been wanting to write about things (recent or not) that have happened to me last year. Generally speaking, it was a good year for me, not excellent, but pretty good. Naturally, mistakes had been made, as always - i am but a mere mortal. Things got lost and found. Places visited and re-visited and people discovered and re-discovered.

Let's see. I went to Puerto Galera (for the first time, courtesy of my beloved cousin, Gina) on Valentine's day (Yeah!) and revisited Baguio after 9 years (yipee!). I also revisited lovely Sorsogon twice. I was able to go to the "sosyal" Embassy Superclub (courtesy of my cousin's cousin-in-law), free of charge at that. Cool huh?

I was scheduled to go to Dubai, underwent a series of medical tests, unfortunately, the employer turned me down the last minute (after spending dineros for the requirements - and yes, i am perfectly healthy) because apparently they wanted someone who could work for them ASAP. Oh well...

Mid-year, career transition, the bosses gave me a PC (my personal old one was not usable anymore), applied for internet connection, so I could work from home thus giving me much more time with the kids (and creating this blog). Definitely!

Financially, I did okay until mid-year, but quite downsloped towards the end of the year. Credit card and other bills - all that jazz. A "friend" asked for a loan through my mom - the first one was okay - she made the scheduled payments - then asked for a second loan. That was when things went bad - paid only half and made promises to settle. But she didnt. I based everything on trust and friendship. You know what happened next. I never heard from her again. This means, I'll be the one paying for it. (By the way, this is the second time a friend borrowed money from me - and yes, i never learned... sh!t).

My kids got theater, streetdance and badminton lessons. What can I say, i've got talented sons!

My very generous cousin (Gina) bought me a sofa and a bed. Yey! Unfortunately, our TV and washing machine broke (the washing machine was rescued, the TV, nope), and then i lost my cellphone. Dammit - I have my Metallica song collection there, dammit, dammit..

Come December, i received a new cellphone and Gina bought a laptop for me - which i would be paying for the whole year of 2009 - not bad huh? Now, i'd be able to work even if i'm away from home.

My mother visited us here in Manila and met our African-American neighbor and his Filipina wife. They offered us red wine and champagne. And then my mother got drunk. It was really funny seeing my mom throw up! But she had a great time, that i can tell you.

I resolved to go back to attending Sunday masses just this last December. Feels really good.

A long lost cousin was found - we had a reunion of sorts post-Christmas. It went great. His father (whom he hasnt seen for a couple of years) came (and cried) and another uncle - the one the nieces and nephews considered to be the strictest and most conservative - also arrived...and he let his hair down. Finally!

So, not bad huh?

Honesty and Movies

It’s really amusing how we associate our lives with the movie/soap opera characters. As much as I hate to admit it, I do that, sometimes – no, most of the time. Not that my life is so dramatic – gosh no. The story of my life is a combination of sorts – drama, comedy, suspense, a bit of action, and “strictly prohibited”/R-18. Generally though, I’d say it’s a DRAMEDY. When I watch movies/soaps, I’d usually find myself identifying with one or a few of the characters, even sometimes insisting upon myself that that really is ME.

(It might not really be worth mentioning as it’s kinda off topic but I would anyway…I have another “therapy” whenever I feel temporarily insane and I’m in my emotera mode. I’d watch a movie that’s so dramatic and romantic until I’d develop a lump in my throat till ultimately my tear ducts couldn’t take it anymore that I’d be bawling like mad, after which, I’d be okay. I’d be in a lighter mood albeit the eye puffiness and eye bags and red nose.)

Anyhow, there’s just one thing in dramatic movies/soaps that bugs me --- everybody’s so freakin’ honest and would tell the truth in one way or another! I mean, of course I believe that honesty is the best policy and all that, but come on, in real life, nobody is that truthful anymore. Everybody’s got skeletons in their closets and most people choose their dirt to be kept hidden especially if they feel that the truth will only hurt other people particularly the ones they love. I’d say honesty is overrated. I believe that some things are better left alone and unsaid and buried.

Oh well…if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been dying to have a glass of red wine (the current soap I’m addicted to has a lot of wine drinking scenes) so I guess I’ll have one now. Yup, I have red wine in my cupboard. Oh yeah. Sweet huh?

Want some?

BITCHING

It's such a tedious thing to find ways so as not to look back but just move forth. All this babbling here makes me feel like a stupid baboon since I'm just writing the same litany of agonies - hence, I sound redundant already. My subconscious tells me that I shouldn't worry too much about this (er, what I write) as there's really nobody reading this blog anyway (yeah sure, I announce that I have a blog, but see, nobody even comments for crying out loud!)...

So I guess I could go on and on huh?

I'm just so freakin' tired. Really. I really am...

I wish it's that easy to do the "bugger-off-next-please!" regimen, but hell... easier said than done.

Ah, the pains of living...

Makes me wonder though...do I always make it easy for people to take the U-turn?

Now I really wish I could get a comment from this...As if...Ha!

P.S. - Should someone accidentally stumble upon this blog and wanted to comment, please, by all means, go ahead and feel free to do so...or e-mail me at ooshposh@yahoo.com...I swear, I won't bite.

ENIGMA

Perplexed…Mesmerized…
It's freaking me out, just had to cry…
Where have you been?

Could it be?

Dew drops felt
Cold mist seen
My sight is foggy
But still…

Could it be?

Myths of passing love echoes in vain
A weeping voice heard in the depth of the night…mine…
My heart is bathed in darkness…
And I am parched…
Breathless…terrified…

Could it be?


The beauty of sadness is much too blinding
And lightning strikes my severed soul
I fled…I bled…I fell…

Again....

Could it be?

-ooshposh-

WHO?! ME?!

I’m usually a cheerful, carefree person. My friends would say I don’t get infuriated (though I’m sure my housemates would disagree hahaha)… I would say I rarely get mad, I would oftentimes shrug things off and I admit that I always see the goodness in each person’s heart albeit the pain/hurt he/she caused me, ergo to the point of naivete.

The other side of me that only a few (close) chums know is that if I’m in pain emotionally, I’d be physically hyperactive – with constant movements/exaggerated fidgeting – and when the person who had caused such abnormality in my emotional immune system is within range, I’d be blabbering like a mad(wo)man, try to be funny, and kid around. I guess obviously, the reason for such act is that this my defense mechanism of sorts just as much as a cover-up to my effin’ bleedin’ heart. In my solitude though, I’d be a tad teary eyed (but tears rarely fall as I’ve developed a technique for such which requires years of practice and perfection) and I’d be in my “emotera” mode and do the following – not necessarily in this order:

(a) Play Metallica (the Black album) in the background while clean either the whole house or my CR – depends how depressed I am and how much water there is;
(b) Sometimes I run amuck;
(c) I chide or curse myself aloud for yet another stupidity;
(d) Look at myself in the mirror – and smirk;
(e) Succumb to a staring spell.

In short, I WALLOW…

Perhaps the psychology/psychiatry nerds would really be exhilarated to meet me as they’d be able to come up with a lot of diagnoses – neurosis, bipolar disorder, schizoid, blah, blah…I really don’t care, as long as I do these weird things alone, I’d be able to put up a brave front as soon as I am with the outside world.

Pretentious? Nah. Showbiz! Hahahahaha!

In lieu of this, my best friend set an “expiry date” for my whines and emotera swings – he says those moments should be at least 3 months apart. He also said that if we see each other, he’d uproot my heart and put it in my head, swap the brain in place. That way, he says, I’d use my brain more rather than my cardiovascular system…or I might die of a broken heart.

Triple *sigh*… Gademit!

I AM...

Exhausted…

of the people who disparaged me…
judged me…
lied and misled me…
made a fool out of me…
took advantage of me…
betrayed me…
hurt me…

yet…

Wistful…

for you to ratify my genuine individuality – wholeheartedly, no ifs or buts…
for you to dry the tears in my eyes…
for you to attest to the universe that you are proud of me…

Grateful…

for the courage and strength that I gained…
for the entelechy dawning upon my once darkened horizon…
for family and friends who stood by me…
for my wonderful children who never cease to inspire me…
for the 32 years of bittersweet journey of self discovery and learning…

Blissful…

because the Almighty has never failed me…

-ooshposh-