Sunday, June 11, 2017


When someone becomes jaded, a lot of things change - well, basing on my own experience, i guess i did. Sometimes, i barely recognize myself anymore.

There would be times when i feel a lot - a lot of hurt, pain, helplessness, loss, happiness, or love - no, not all at once - that would make me one crazy person lol. They'd be just random feelings that would come and go. Sometimes, two feelings all at once, for instance, i'd felt happiness and loss at the same time, or hurt and love at the same time.

But then there would also be times that i would feel nothing at all, just devoid of anything - though maybe, i may have chosen not to feel anything at all. It may be my defense mechanism of sorts, just to avoid any future losses and/or pains.

Deep inside though, i know i have a lot of love to give, but i am just scared shitless to show it. It scares the hell out of me.

One thing i am sure of is that i still haven't gotten past the recovery period with all the things that have happened to me. I just buried everything deep inside but the scars, no, the wounds haven't healed yet.

In all honesty, i just want to be free from all this. I just want to live freely, not always worrying about what people or the society would think and just effin' move forward and be happy, not giving a shit about the norm, zero fucks given.

Yet, i'm still here shivering, cowering in the corner and biting back tears.

I just want to break free.

The irony of it all, is writing this on the 12th of June - the country's independence day.