THE LUNATIC FIDDLER

They say, silence is golden.



It isn’t always. It is exasperating at times.

Sometimes, keeping mum about some things is simply a better option to avoid hurting people especially if you knew they had been under the weather in an emotional kind of way (which makes you want to retort, “Hey, what about what I’VE been through?”)

Yes, keeping it all bottled up – and you become quite good at it somehow. Sure, it’s not healthy. One might ask, “Then why?” One, fear, as in you are scared – scared that if you voice out your opinion (especially about a very sensitive matter), that it would be taken the wrong way and you might offend the person (which is really NOT a very pleasant feeling, i.e., offending somebody). Two, being labeled, a.k.a. being a nag or paranoid.

Perhaps in silence, you would be asked what is wrong but you would just keep quiet and shake your head –though deep inside you are imploding. You are almost always prompted to answer, “I don’t want to tell you what’s bothering me because every time I try to open my mouth, fear sets in because I might say the wrong words again that will make you feel bad…and then I’ll feel bad because in the end, the blame would be on me.”

Reasoning would always fail you. So then, to avoid further dispute, you keep quiet…and deflect. It becomes your stance – when repelled, you counter-repel.

Silence is not really an excuse. We just don’t want to be labeled as someone who is nit-picking on everything or paranoid/lunatic or simply not just making an effort to understand the person. If just by reiterating something (especially unintentionally) would make us sound like a nag, then what better way than to keep our mouth shut?

It's either that or risk becoming the "kontrabida" or "negastar" in the person's life.

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I admit, I am a very insecure person – and this is not something I am proud of. I finally got to the bottom of it all, why all these insecurities. I grew up being compared to somebody else, that blah is better than me, why don’t I follow blah’s footsteps…and not really hearing positive things about one’s appearance just only added insult to injury. Then come adult life, being betrayed not only once is like putting salt into an open wound.

Yes, it seems I’ve played the second fiddle over and over again.

Being the second, if not, third choice (sometimes not being one of the options at all) gave more blow to my self-esteem, ergo, I’ve always necessitated constant reassurance and the need for chronic appreciation is there too. Every rejection induced a sense of being a total failure and had me suffer bouts of irrational jealousy. Again, admitting all of these is not with great pride – I am deeply ashamed.

Ever since I have accepted the Lord in my heart and in my life, I have learned that all these emotions are wrong. Every person is equal in the eyes of the Almighty. I am but just human and every now and then I still struggle with all of these negativity, and I know, with faith in Him, I will be able to move on and be brave enough to face all the rejections I would encounter in this lifetime.

I just hope and pray my family and friends would be patient with me.