MOON TIDE

(written 03/22/2008)

Some good things never last. Yep, the Barbra Streisand song. As much as you wanna be analytical about this, you always end up asking the eternal question - WHY? Why can't good things last forever? Why does it have to stop? What's the point of feeling good when in the end you'll feel bad again? They say it's supposed to make you stronger and it's supposed to make you learn the ways of life. But not you. You're feeling bitter as time goes by. It's baffling why people will make you feel special and then just vanish in thin air. Then comes the part where you wallow. And then you get by, become okay, and move on. And then, out of the blue, they find a way to infiltrate your contented little world again. WHAT THE?!?! Damnit, it confuses the hell out of you. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Such a cruel world. Then you try to be optimistic about it telling yourself "perhaps this time…" then it becomes a vicious cycle and you become powerless to stop and cut through it. Now you justify everything and think that it's the masochist in you, loving every bit of pain that you feel. Smirk, smirk…

At the moment, tears elude you (unless you're watching a sappy movie or peeling onions), but you don’t think you have lots of strength in you. You realize it only means you are getting tired of this bull-freakin'-shit and your tear ducts are all dried up. Oh yes you still goof around and smile and laugh a lot that you've got premature crow's feet (giving you the urge to have Botox), but still, inside, you feel empty…Nil…Zilch…Then a bright idea crosses your mind ---

YOU WANNA GO BUNGGEEJUMPING…

NEW THOUGHTS

(written on 02/08/2006)

This part should be labeled "old thoughts" not new thoughts. Why? Because I guess things that will be written here will just be the same complaints and whines, as what I have in my previous, err, writings.

Earlier today, what could have been a wonderful day quite ended up a sad day…and a tearful one at that. I'm still wondering when I will have the courage to say what I wanna say and not just bottle them up. That is still my dilemma -- saying how I feel -- if I'm giddy with love or I'm as angry as a bear. Tears have been shed earlier, and most of those tears are tears of dismay. I couldn’t believe that a person very, very close to my heart would be able to think less of me -- and it breaks my heart! My heart has just been starting to gather up its pieces from countless heartaches and yet, it is being wounded again, which made me ponder "will this ever heal?"

Yet, I see a spark of hope ignited within me…Perhaps this too, shall pass…or will be forgotten. As I have always prayed that tears will elude me, still, there's always the notion that this prayer will sometimes go unanswered…but then again, that is life. A life without tears will leave you weak and unguarded.I would wish to catch a glimpse of what tomorrow would bring, but it remains bleak at this time -- still without certainty. All I could do is hope, learn, and pray…

somewhere i have never traveled

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence:in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me, or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me though i have closed myself as fingers,you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens (touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose
or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,as when the heart of this flower imaginesthe snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of your intense fragility: whose texturecompels me with the color of its countries, rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens; only something in me understandsthe voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-e.e. cummings-

PASSING LOVE

Because you are to me a song
I must not sing you over long.
Because you are to me a prayer
I cannot say you everywhere.
Because you are to me a rose--
You will not stay when summer goes...

-Langston Hughes-

MY PERSONALITY IS... (Idealist)

MY PERSONALITY IS...

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

AMIGOS Y AMIGAS

it's been like ages since i poured out my catharsis here..i've been through hell and back, but there are good days for me fortunately, making me think that i really must have done something good in my life (maybe it was the day i helped an old woman cross the street or the day i gave 20 bucks to a homeless guy...)

oh gawd, what the heck, all of us deal with different types of crap from the moment we were born and perhaps confront them in our own weird way.. LIFE is, most of the time, complicated (--i really luvv this word :D) and overrated (and so with everything else in this world) and that's the freakin' truth..sometimes, it makes us do things that we painstakingly try transform ourselves into a different entity, until one day we realize we just don't like the person we've become..

but i guess this is why friendship is formulated...and i'm just SO glad that i have friends who i turn to everytime i have the urge to yammer and bitch around incessantly..and these friends NEVER fail to listen and accept me for who or what i am...their just being there for me is enough..i am content with it...it's a vice versa thing though, as i always tell them that they can always come to me even if they just wanna throw a fit, get bitchy or cranky, or perhaps they just feel like fidgeting and what-not, and i would gladly welcome them with open arms and let them be ...

this thing that we have has an upside..sometimes, if we feel like we just want to feel miserable together (e.g., just sitting and laze around with that far-away look on our faces while twisting several strands of hair and not uttering a single syllable), we do that..it makes yammering and whining a lot of fun because it makes me feel that i'm not alone in my "pathetic-ness" and sometimes it makes me realize that some of them have even bigger challenges than moi..(hence the cliche "misery loves company")...

ergo, i would like to say "THANK YOU" to these great and rare beings i call friends...thanks for putting up with my sh!t and im sorry if ever i've hurt u in one way or another..i want u guys to know that your friendship is cherished and is of great value to me..it's a relief that there are still people like u in this gene pool and i sure hope that u don't have a "Best Before" seal stuck on ur foreheads...

with that said (or written), here's a toast for u.. KAMPAI!!!

O, IT WAS OUT BY DONNYCARNEY

O, it was out by Donnycarney
When the bat flew from tree to tree
My love and I did walk together;
And sweet were the words (s)he said to me.
Along with us the summer wind
Went murmuring -- - O happily! -- -
But softer than the breath of summer
Was the kiss (s)he gave to me.

-james joyce-

L'AUTRE FEMME

basking in the solitude of my milieu
wondering about my existence
wondering how you’ve been
the distance between us does not matter
and my thoughts of you do not falter.
we may not recognize where the future will lead us
as the future I cannot ascertain
indeed I will savor the present for whatever it may be worth
and taste the rapture of your affection for me.
another day will not obscure
the hopes of a new tomorrow
an embroidery on a canvas that we interlaced
completed and adorned by everything that we shared.
giving me a part of you
i will always be thankful for
though i cannot have you
the part you have shared with me
will only be mine and not to anyone else.
so i will try to relish my existence
that these two had separated
carrying on with the things that i have to do
however still always loving you.

-ooshposh-

(10/16/2006)

PARADOX

(written on 10/01/2006)

I’ve noticed that I have written quite a few things about love (such that I kind of emit the ‘love junkie’ effect to those who read my blog, and of course which I am not), about sadness, past hurts, my grudges or of life being sometimes a biatch, etc., etc. I haven’t tried writing about the act where swapping of bodily fluids takes place (a.k.a. SEX – hello!), but I have posted something vis‑à-vis this matter... Hence, I have decided that I want to write something sane and something that is of value, not melodramatic, pessimistic, or acrimonious…

These past several weeks, I have observed that despite continuous burrowing through my cerebrum, I really, really find it impossible to write about anything. There were times, though, when I suddenly have a certain something that would poke at my now-not-too-workaholic neurons (picture me with a blinking light bulb above my head – AHA!), and then poof! It would just evaporate into thin air that would make me want to scream and then hopefully gouge the eyes of those beings who will dare leer at me…(ugh, gross.. i was just kidding on the gouging part..)

Hey, it’s not that I’m making up a cock-and-bull story just because I have lost my knack for writing (or the lack thereof)… Just thinking that perhaps the reason why this is happening is because my brain is atrophying, gives me the creeps! If this is the case, maybe this is the way my brain cells are showing me their outrage since I haven’t been making a good use of them… Nooooooo! This is a nightmare!!!

ANOPHELOSIS

(written 08/17/2006)

ANOPHELOSIS: A morbid state brought about by extreme frustration.
As part of life’s vicious cycle, we have to go through several (or at least some – well, lucky you!) ordeals and pains and of course, it would depend on us how to get a grip of ourselves when we are about to give in and perhaps lose the slightest bit of sanity left within us… Ergo, we experience anophelosis. Hmmm…exactly…

These past few weeks, I go to work later than usual (meaning mas nala-late ako) and as much as I want to come in earlier, I couldn’t muster enough physical and mental prowess to do so…Of course, there are REALLY some days when inevitable things happen (such as the water tank breaking down and having to fetch H2O a few houses away from ours; OR waking up with an atrocious headache just because I really find it difficult to sleep as early as I want to, in other words, I’m suffering from pseudo-insomnia; OR having to run an errand for people because you have to and deep inside you know you’re still a “people person…” hey.. I can go on and on here…trust me, my reasons are legit…). Anyhow, some friends psychoanalyze me in a not-so-Freudian kind of way and I guess, a bit of their analyses has a ring of truth to it…according to them, I am just inflicted with the “burn-out syndrome” which means “the-phase-of-our-existence-wherein-we-are-incapable-of-functioning-usefully disorder.” (Sometimes, being the ‘emotera’ that I am, I convince myself, and everybody else, that I’m suffering from emotional malaise…)

What I’m blabbing about is really this…life sucks sometimes and not all of us possess the capability of being calm when we feel like all we want to do is rave and rant like madmen or beat the crap out of each other…naturally, we can always choose to either stay like this for a long time or slowly try to grasp and cope with the things that made us “temporarily insane” and go on with our existentiality…yes, life sucks and reality bites (and occasionally has claws too), but really now, we don’t have to be so misanthropic about it…I mean, hey, I believe that each individual has his own karmic design and this thing called karma really exists (which, by the way, is just lurking in the shadows or peering over our shoulders)…

I guess what I’m saying is that we must never lose faith in the greater good… Just putting in my two cents… (and I hope I made sense..*sigh*)

YA-DI-DA

(written 08/10/2006)

Sometimes we desire strongly for something that we know we cannot have, but instead of being resigned to the concept, still we go on longing for it. Why is it that we always have this resolute adherence to our own longings, when at the back of our heads (and hearts), we are AWARE of the certainty that some things are, perhaps, not just capable of existing? (Hah! What is that smirk in your face??) Now it may seem like you are an addition to the wretched ones of this interbreeding population, but so what? Nobody can stop you with what to do with your existence! To heck with these freakin’ condemnatory people… and yes, I know, I know…this cliché “some things are just not meant to be” appears to be screaming inside your brain over and over again just like an echo, that you might as well bludgeon yourself with a mallet…

Goodness I’m blabbering now…this happens when I really don’t know what to write…i used to write with such ease, without having to ponder long enough on what words to use or what things to write about…I usually write how I feel (especially if I feel melancholic and I’m in one of my morose moods) and it does the trick. Somehow, I feel better and feels like a dark cloud has been lifted…

Blabbering again…where was i? oh… I’m talking about yearning for things that we cant have…hhummmphhh…I really don’t have anything further to say…I just think that this happens to most of us, if not, ALL of us…that we kind of go through this…this…dilemma… of course, there’s always this uncertainty, but I guess it makes our existentiality kind of stimulating…
pfft!..blah..blah..blah…

FIVE TIPS FOR A WOMAN

This is hilarious...got this thru text message...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other...
   

..this is just for kicks peeps...it'll still be up to you hehehe...

Me Revenir Mon Amour (an excerpt)

The distance seems so far, yet so near,
Knowing when the time is right, you will be here
When i call for you...
Missing you, loving you,
Wanting you, needing you...
There has been a void in this place
Since you left...

Come back, my love, it won't be much longer!
You are wanted and needed
More than you could ever know!
And missed-- you are so missed--
As you consume my thoughts and
Drive my desires...
Come back soon, my dearest love!

* P A I N *

"Nothing tries the human soul so much as pain...
It is interwoven in the fabric of life,
in one form or the other
and at some time or another,
we shall all experience PAIN..."

-Sota Omoigui, M.D.

*&^%#%&&%&^$#

(written in nov 2003)


Turbulence of emotions..whoa! that's what i'm feeling right now.
I've often wondered why some days i feel bizaare..Perhaps, such days are days when i'm in denial..

It's quite ambiguous when it comes to describing how i'm feeling..Is it because i'm under the influence of the wondrous taste of alcohol? Or because i'm feeling just plain shitty? I've come to realize that i'm under the same spell and cycle again..And i'm getting tired of it..Why can't i just be in one corner and be at peace with myself? Do i need to get through with this again?

Perhaps my close friends are tired of my whining and i can't blame them for that..Even I am tired of hearing myself whine all the time..

Normalcy for me these past few days is quite difficult to achieve..i am hoping to become part of the living things once again, as i am dead...

AWAKENING

Too much confusion
Too much pain
Too much hope
Too much ache
Too much anger
Bewildered...pondering...
Hoping...praying...
Needing...wanting...
Loving...hurting...
Pain...always pain...
Yet time passes by
Easing sorrow
Healing wounds...cleansing...
Twilight has ended
The dawn is near
Existing...living...
A new day has begun...

-ooshposh-

(2006)

CRAP-ness

(written on 04/26/06)

I know..i know..there is no such word..but for me, this word describes things and people who are full of crap...which makes me wonder, why is it that there have to be those kinds of people, huh?
i decided to write about this because what started a good day ended up being a bad one..and yes, because of people who are full of crap..these people are the ones who let you believe in yourself, that you are a likeable person, etc. etc. In other words, these are the ones who give you confidence about certain things. Yet, time comes when they hurt you, just adding itself on the long list of hurts that you have had. When such things happen, your confidence diminishes. Whatever ego that's left in you evaporates. It is them who destroy the confidence in you that they once gave.

so i begin to ask myself.."what happens to me now?" Would i pretend not be hurt and go on with my life or not? To be honest, i still dont know...i really dont...that, my friend, is the million-dollar question...

oh well...

EXISTENTIAL ANGUISH

(written on 03/27/06)

Its been a while since i've been here..reason? i have no phone line in my new (rented) house, but i'm workin' on it.

Anyhow...nuthin's new with my life..same old same old hehe..i've been through several trials (which i think is part of everyone's life; except that sometimes, i think that mine is self-inflicted)..

I've been pondering things..about love and about life..Generally, i have this rule in my life to never take my love ones for granted. I always tell them that i love them. The words "i love you" are very sacred to me. I will never utter them unless i really mean it. Even if you ask my kids, i always tell them 'i love you' everyday..Before, i dont tell my mom how i love her and care for her, but now, i do..My friends know this too..You see, i always ask myself, "what if tomorrow never comes for me?" I mean, im not being morbid, but we never know how long we've got in this world..

Life is short so we should enjoy all the small things and be thankful for all our blessings and for all the people who love and care for us..

UNREQUITED II

If i could just grasp thee
And reach out to thee
Thy nearness alone maketh a day brighter than any star..
If thy heart could just hear my pleas
And listen closely..
It would hear sounds of echoing voices
Telling how i love thee..
Sad as it may be
I dare not ask for thou to be mine
But i fear not telling thee
The deep disturbing silence of my heart
Whenever thine eyes look deeply into mine..
Oh how thy maketh the entire me
The smile, thy gestures
Thy voice, 'tis music to my ears
Oh if thou could only be mine...

-ooshposh-

(written in 2000)

SWEET!

"I will make love my greatest weapon and none on who I call can defend against its force... My love will melt the hearts liken to the sun whose rays soften the coldest day..."- OG MANDINO
**************************************************************************************************
about soulmates: SOULMATES aren't hatched..they just don't pop up out of nowhere...they grow..u make a connection, build a relationship, and
then u realize, "this is my soulmate.."
**************************************************************************************************
"When i began to spend more time with you, it is almost as though i discovered an elixir i did not know i craved until i took a taste of
it. And having had the craving awakened, i am now consumed by a dark dread of the possibility that i may not be able to fully assuage my thirst..."

BED ETIQUETTE (FOR MEN)

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EXPRESSIONS

(written on 12/14/05)

"I know im wrong..that i've assumed too much..you're NOT JUST INTO ME, now i end up falling flat on my face..i've got bruises all over me..i'm wounded and hurt..but it will be over soon..hopefully..but then again, you have no right to make me feel this way, you have no right to hurt me..you have no right to play with my heart..you have broken it many times already whilst i'm still trying to mend it..i don't know how much i can endure with this, but i will take it slow..my heart is still trying to breathe, but it is now dying a slow, painful death.."

These are just a few lines that i once wrote a long time ago, which inspired me to write again..It somehow occurred to me that no matter how strong we think we are, love would make us vulnerable and somehow needy, to the point of being pathetic..the people who hurt us may or may not realize it, perhaps because they are dumb asses or just plain deficient in human sensibility..yet, even with the knowledge of them making a fool out of us, still, we torment ourselves into believing things that we want to believe -- in other words, we become IMBECILES...

It makes me wonder sometimes why we let ourselves to be consumed by such idiosyncrasies..this thing called love, revered by most of humankind, would either make you deliriously happy or disgustingly demented, ergo the cliche 'madly in love.'
perhaps we should play life's games without a heart..that way, we can go through it unscathed...
hmmm..just a thought...