Parenting Part II

School days are here once again. Every parent is caught in the frenzy - buying of school supplies, wrapping of notebooks and textbooks, and then constantly checking the kids' homework, projects, activities etc. I don't get to do all of those since i have other family members in the house, so lucky for me. However, when they have activities, i see to it that i am the one who is there (unless my kid fails to notify me - which happened - and the guilt is really consuming).

I'm still not very confident with my parenting skills. I just hope they know and are aware that I am trying my best. I am not a perfect parent, of course I too have flaws, but still, I am trying really hard to be the best parent to them.

Wish me luck. :D

SO DANG CONFUSING

So friggin' frustrated.

Struggling to understand.

It's not even worth it, yet, here I am…again…

What is it that I still don’t know?

I just want to understand…I might be missing something here…

But of course honesty is overrated…nevertheless, just a teeny weeny bit wouldn’t hurt, would it? Just to make room for more understanding…and knowledge…as such, mistakes or misconceptions won't be made again…

Either I'm that dense or just plain freakin' dumb.

WHAT THE??!!!

CEREBRAL CORROSION

I just couldn’t get over the fact that I haven’t been writing something here. I've been putting off most things the past few months. Yeah, of course I noticed. There had been moments where I would have this gripping desire of jotting down thoughts or emotions, even through using my mobile phone, but then again I would end up getting lazy and again putting it off.

I feel like my brain cells are getting rustier by the minute. I mostly couldn’t think of things to write about -- those "moments" I mentioned earlier are quite rare. It's really kind of pretty scary as I love writing. I don’t want to blame it on the so-called "writer's block" because I'm not really that one helluva writer so if I use that, it would be a lame, pathetic excuse.

I dunno. I feel senseless, witless, dull…I guess my neurons are not that quick anymore.

Now please allow me to borrow Jessica Zafra's line: "I think I should get a lobotomy."

P.S.

I think I'm back into my "bad" ways…

Holy crap.

The Fallen One

A LITTLE RANT

Yeah, yeah..So it's been a month.

I'm friggin' bored. And I'm effin' pissed. I want to go to the beach. I want to travel. I want to go on sabbatical.

But guess what?

I COULDN'T AFFORD THESE THINGS.

I know, i know, such negativity huh? But i'm just being honest. I barely have money left every payday - almost everything goes to bills and debts to pay. Add to that what little I've been producing and of course, little production equals little salary.

I barely have a social life, let alone a fun life.

Now that's why I am such a negative Nancy.

So sue me.

APOLOGIZE

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
Wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But now I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

BOO-FREAKIN'-HOO

This blog has taken a back burner since last month. There are times that I would want to write something but then another more important matter would come up so I'd end up forgetting the whole writing thing altogether.

It's February now. Besides Valentine's day, things had happened to me - physically. No, I didn't transform into a more radiant being nor did I become a black-winged monster, but I got sick - twice to be exact. The first one was during the first week of the month. I had a bout of tonsillitis and of course, tonsillitis equals fever. So I suffered for four days. I treated it with pain relievers and mostly conservative treatment - meaning lots of fluids. I didn’t get the rest I really wanted but I tried to take a nap in between work. So then I got better. I celebrated my being tonsillitis-free with tequila - two bottles of tequila, that is. Of course, it wasn’t all me, my brother was there along with two close friends.

The following week, I got an ear infection. See, I got this habit of constantly cleaning my ears - sometimes I'd do it three times a day. I know, I know. My bad huh? But I can't help it, I swear. So there you go - otitis externa. Imagine my dilemma, I do listening for a living. I had to listen to dictations using one ear. And by golly, the pain! It's just so friggin unbearable! Of course, I took mefenamic acid then NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) and had otic drops, but really, I just couldn’t take it - mind you, I consider myself to have a high pain tolerance. There was this one moment, while working in the wee hours of the morning, that I decided to take one capsule of mefenamic acid then a nap to help maybe ease the pain. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a shut-eye because of the damn pain. And I ended up crying. Boo-hoo.

Everybody was telling me to go to the doctor (even my mom called) and I keep on telling them that I would. I was even at home on Valentine's day instead of celebrating out because of this infection. I cried buckets of tears - yes, I admit because it's V-Day and because of intolerable pain. (Oh, my brother and cousin-in-law both gave me roses so I cried - again.)

My youngest son gave me a Valentine card in advance with our picture in it so just thinking about it that day also gave me the sniffles. Then, my eldest, who is supposedly the sweeter one, forgot to greet me or say the usual "I love u" routine. Boo-hoo.

It was today that I'm supposed to get my ear checked up. But I'm feeling better already. I can hear a little clearly now and there is little, if any, pain.

So there.

P.S. - I sent this text message to a friend during V-Day. I actually got it from the web and changed it a little bit. Here goes:

Never say "I love you" if you don’t care.
Never talk about feelings if they're not there.
Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart.
The cruelest thing to do is to let someone fall in love with you when you don’t intend to catch that someone fall.

Yun na.

P.P.S.

Another friend said Valentine's day is also known as "Single Awareness Day" which of course has the acronym SAD. No pun intended. Cool!

LOST - Michael Bublé

I just love this song...very inspiring *sigh*...(I'd imagine as if Michael Bublé, is singing this for me hihihihi!!!)

Michael Bublé - New Music - More Music Videos

2008 - THE WHOLE NINE YARDS...

It's been a long time since i've visited and written here. I was really planning on writing last December, at least before 2008 ended, however, I just didn't have time to do so. I've been wanting to write about things (recent or not) that have happened to me last year. Generally speaking, it was a good year for me, not excellent, but pretty good. Naturally, mistakes had been made, as always - i am but a mere mortal. Things got lost and found. Places visited and re-visited and people discovered and re-discovered.

Let's see. I went to Puerto Galera (for the first time, courtesy of my beloved cousin, Gina) on Valentine's day (Yeah!) and revisited Baguio after 9 years (yipee!). I also revisited lovely Sorsogon twice. I was able to go to the "sosyal" Embassy Superclub (courtesy of my cousin's cousin-in-law), free of charge at that. Cool huh?

I was scheduled to go to Dubai, underwent a series of medical tests, unfortunately, the employer turned me down the last minute (after spending dineros for the requirements - and yes, i am perfectly healthy) because apparently they wanted someone who could work for them ASAP. Oh well...

Mid-year, career transition, the bosses gave me a PC (my personal old one was not usable anymore), applied for internet connection, so I could work from home thus giving me much more time with the kids (and creating this blog). Definitely!

Financially, I did okay until mid-year, but quite downsloped towards the end of the year. Credit card and other bills - all that jazz. A "friend" asked for a loan through my mom - the first one was okay - she made the scheduled payments - then asked for a second loan. That was when things went bad - paid only half and made promises to settle. But she didnt. I based everything on trust and friendship. You know what happened next. I never heard from her again. This means, I'll be the one paying for it. (By the way, this is the second time a friend borrowed money from me - and yes, i never learned... sh!t).

My kids got theater, streetdance and badminton lessons. What can I say, i've got talented sons!

My very generous cousin (Gina) bought me a sofa and a bed. Yey! Unfortunately, our TV and washing machine broke (the washing machine was rescued, the TV, nope), and then i lost my cellphone. Dammit - I have my Metallica song collection there, dammit, dammit..

Come December, i received a new cellphone and Gina bought a laptop for me - which i would be paying for the whole year of 2009 - not bad huh? Now, i'd be able to work even if i'm away from home.

My mother visited us here in Manila and met our African-American neighbor and his Filipina wife. They offered us red wine and champagne. And then my mother got drunk. It was really funny seeing my mom throw up! But she had a great time, that i can tell you.

I resolved to go back to attending Sunday masses just this last December. Feels really good.

A long lost cousin was found - we had a reunion of sorts post-Christmas. It went great. His father (whom he hasnt seen for a couple of years) came (and cried) and another uncle - the one the nieces and nephews considered to be the strictest and most conservative - also arrived...and he let his hair down. Finally!

So, not bad huh?

Honesty and Movies

It’s really amusing how we associate our lives with the movie/soap opera characters. As much as I hate to admit it, I do that, sometimes – no, most of the time. Not that my life is so dramatic – gosh no. The story of my life is a combination of sorts – drama, comedy, suspense, a bit of action, and “strictly prohibited”/R-18. Generally though, I’d say it’s a DRAMEDY. When I watch movies/soaps, I’d usually find myself identifying with one or a few of the characters, even sometimes insisting upon myself that that really is ME.

(It might not really be worth mentioning as it’s kinda off topic but I would anyway…I have another “therapy” whenever I feel temporarily insane and I’m in my emotera mode. I’d watch a movie that’s so dramatic and romantic until I’d develop a lump in my throat till ultimately my tear ducts couldn’t take it anymore that I’d be bawling like mad, after which, I’d be okay. I’d be in a lighter mood albeit the eye puffiness and eye bags and red nose.)

Anyhow, there’s just one thing in dramatic movies/soaps that bugs me --- everybody’s so freakin’ honest and would tell the truth in one way or another! I mean, of course I believe that honesty is the best policy and all that, but come on, in real life, nobody is that truthful anymore. Everybody’s got skeletons in their closets and most people choose their dirt to be kept hidden especially if they feel that the truth will only hurt other people particularly the ones they love. I’d say honesty is overrated. I believe that some things are better left alone and unsaid and buried.

Oh well…if you’ll excuse me, I’ve been dying to have a glass of red wine (the current soap I’m addicted to has a lot of wine drinking scenes) so I guess I’ll have one now. Yup, I have red wine in my cupboard. Oh yeah. Sweet huh?

Want some?

PARENTING

One of my biggest fears --- that I’ll fail as a parent. I thought before that once you show your children how much you love them, everything will just fall into places – you and your children will just blend in with each other. I was wrong.

Parenthood is a tough experience (a really tough one at that) especially as your children grow older. Even if you’ll learn from them as they from you, still, it’s a job, be it part time or full time. Like a job, there are both fulfillments and frustrations. You learn, you cope, adapt, and then apply what you learned. Being a parent is never an easy job – from changing diapers to giving and applying the rules. I have always believed that one should not stay strictly a parent, but must be a friend also. But not every child acts and reacts the same – that’s a fact.

I’ve become quite paranoid especially now that I have a teenager in my hands. I get frustrated particularly if I feel I’m not doing anything right. Lately I found myself browsing on parents’ forums in the hopes of getting some tips whenever I’m faced with a teenager crisis. In all fairness to my teenage son, he’s not the typical teenager with all that angst. It’s just that he’s been going through a different phase in his life, and I’m really trying very hard to gain his trust and vice versa.

Oh God, it’s taxing, really. Like every parent, all I can hope and pray for is that I’ll be given more strength, patience, and sanity. Of course, I’m still on the trial and error stage so it’s quite tricky. I just hope I’ll do well.

BITCHING

It's such a tedious thing to find ways so as not to look back but just move forth. All this babbling here makes me feel like a stupid baboon since I'm just writing the same litany of agonies - hence, I sound redundant already. My subconscious tells me that I shouldn't worry too much about this (er, what I write) as there's really nobody reading this blog anyway (yeah sure, I announce that I have a blog, but see, nobody even comments for crying out loud!)...

So I guess I could go on and on huh?

I'm just so freakin' tired. Really. I really am...

I wish it's that easy to do the "bugger-off-next-please!" regimen, but hell... easier said than done.

Ah, the pains of living...

Makes me wonder though...do I always make it easy for people to take the U-turn?

Now I really wish I could get a comment from this...As if...Ha!

P.S. - Should someone accidentally stumble upon this blog and wanted to comment, please, by all means, go ahead and feel free to do so...or e-mail me at ooshposh@yahoo.com...I swear, I won't bite.

ENIGMA

Perplexed…Mesmerized…
It's freaking me out, just had to cry…
Where have you been?

Could it be?

Dew drops felt
Cold mist seen
My sight is foggy
But still…

Could it be?

Myths of passing love echoes in vain
A weeping voice heard in the depth of the night…mine…
My heart is bathed in darkness…
And I am parched…
Breathless…terrified…

Could it be?


The beauty of sadness is much too blinding
And lightning strikes my severed soul
I fled…I bled…I fell…

Again....

Could it be?

-ooshposh-

WHO?! ME?!

I’m usually a cheerful, carefree person. My friends would say I don’t get infuriated (though I’m sure my housemates would disagree hahaha)… I would say I rarely get mad, I would oftentimes shrug things off and I admit that I always see the goodness in each person’s heart albeit the pain/hurt he/she caused me, ergo to the point of naivete.

The other side of me that only a few (close) chums know is that if I’m in pain emotionally, I’d be physically hyperactive – with constant movements/exaggerated fidgeting – and when the person who had caused such abnormality in my emotional immune system is within range, I’d be blabbering like a mad(wo)man, try to be funny, and kid around. I guess obviously, the reason for such act is that this my defense mechanism of sorts just as much as a cover-up to my effin’ bleedin’ heart. In my solitude though, I’d be a tad teary eyed (but tears rarely fall as I’ve developed a technique for such which requires years of practice and perfection) and I’d be in my “emotera” mode and do the following – not necessarily in this order:

(a) Play Metallica (the Black album) in the background while clean either the whole house or my CR – depends how depressed I am and how much water there is;
(b) Sometimes I run amuck;
(c) I chide or curse myself aloud for yet another stupidity;
(d) Look at myself in the mirror – and smirk;
(e) Succumb to a staring spell.

In short, I WALLOW…

Perhaps the psychology/psychiatry nerds would really be exhilarated to meet me as they’d be able to come up with a lot of diagnoses – neurosis, bipolar disorder, schizoid, blah, blah…I really don’t care, as long as I do these weird things alone, I’d be able to put up a brave front as soon as I am with the outside world.

Pretentious? Nah. Showbiz! Hahahahaha!

In lieu of this, my best friend set an “expiry date” for my whines and emotera swings – he says those moments should be at least 3 months apart. He also said that if we see each other, he’d uproot my heart and put it in my head, swap the brain in place. That way, he says, I’d use my brain more rather than my cardiovascular system…or I might die of a broken heart.

Triple *sigh*… Gademit!

I AM...

Exhausted…

of the people who disparaged me…
judged me…
lied and misled me…
made a fool out of me…
took advantage of me…
betrayed me…
hurt me…

yet…

Wistful…

for you to ratify my genuine individuality – wholeheartedly, no ifs or buts…
for you to dry the tears in my eyes…
for you to attest to the universe that you are proud of me…

Grateful…

for the courage and strength that I gained…
for the entelechy dawning upon my once darkened horizon…
for family and friends who stood by me…
for my wonderful children who never cease to inspire me…
for the 32 years of bittersweet journey of self discovery and learning…

Blissful…

because the Almighty has never failed me…

-ooshposh-

ALMOST LOVER - Part 3

To CW: May fate be kind to you...

ALMOST LOVER - Part 2

PR#2: A year and half passed. One day, CW was invited to a christening of an officemate's baby. There she met Knightrider or KR for short. Both of them are godparents. KR is very, very good looking with a snobbish attitude - she says, "a man with an Oooooohhmmpp." (I'm guessing he's got a great bod too because of the latter description.) Naturally, CW immediately took notice of him but just shook herself back to reality as (a) she knows he wouldn’t take a second look at her, and (b) he was with his fiancée (my friend saw the ring on the woman he was cuddly with). Admittedly, she caught KR staring at her, in a more calculating way, but she was quite oblivious about it because of the aforementioned reasons. Reception came, and fate, really, as I would always say, has sometimes a weird sense of humor - she was assigned at the same table with gorgeous KR along with other (mutual - as it turned out) friends, thus, they were introduced to each other. His fiancée, by the way, left immediately after the blessing and prayers were made. They managed to get into a conversation and all the while CW tried really hard, with all her might, not to act like a hormone-driven teenager around him. So, he got her number, she got his. Soon they were constant "textmates" and would even send senseless one-word messages, even punctuation marks. CW also saw this as another opportunity of getting over VV. Yes, KR might be a rebound of sorts, but for her, if it would help moving forward, she ought to try it. She and KR would meet once in a while and ostensibly, CW found herself feeling euphoric just being with him (even while relating all this to me, she inserts a lot of giggles in her sentences - sigh).

Now, another year has passed…KR barely texts her anymore when they're not together (oh, I forgot to mention earlier, KR is a serial player - he admitted it to CW herself). Now, my friend wonders and the thought persists, what do they have? Naturally, she also threw the same question at me…I asked her if she has feelings for KR. She goes, "Not really" and I somehow managed a stifled "huh?" I am flabbergasted honestly. I told her the brutal truth, that she is in a moronic cycle, but if it makes her happy, I'd totally give her my blessing. My advice? She should just enjoy the moments they're together, and most importantly, if she can help it, not to fall for KR, or else….

HOMAYGAD…

ALMOST LOVER - Part 1

A very good friend from elementary days asked, nay pleaded, to meet with me. Let's call her CW for Catwoman. "I have a big problem," she says. And so we decided to meet up, have dinner, and then coffee afterwards. I can sum up her problem in one word - PSEUDORELATIONSHIP(S) - a relationship without clarity, open-ended, hanging…the funny (or sad) part is this is her second one. So I sat there, gawking at her and had to restrain myself from strangling her. See, CW is still in the mends - in other words, she's been quite bruised and jaded because of a failed relationship - and yet, here she goes again so you can't blame me for almost wanting to scream "WTF?!?!"

Anyways, she debriefed me of what has happened for the last several years - as we haven’t seen each other in like ages albeit keeping in touch once in a while. So a quick history…Her first pseudorelationship, PR#1, was with a very charming, BUT married guy - let's call him Voltes V or VV for short. They were friends from college who eventually got closer as they shared the same interests, and both of them are "makulit" and "malambing" (some are quite opinionated and blurted out that they are "soulmates"). At the onset of their growing friendship, they had this agreement of sorts that neither should FALL for the other. Oh yeah, they fooled around big time and discovered yet another thing - that they are sexually compatible. And so things went on and were status quo for about a year or two. Until CW began to feel spaced-out around him - she would get secretly jealous with every girl VV showers his charms on, and boy was she scared! A voice in her head was chiding her, constantly nagging her of the pact they made. However, the time came when she decided to acknowledge that, yeah, she was hooked. Apparently, VV took notice and naturally, he asked. She had to give him the "to-hell-with-the-consequences-I'm-gonna-tell-you-how-I-feel" attitude…She cursed herself but nonetheless decided that if he bails out on her, so be it, an open-and-shut case.

Yet, CW was taken aback by his reaction and it was a complete shock to her. He seemed to be okay with it and just shrugged it off - he didn’t run away! In fact, he was even sweeter in the days to come. According to her, VV was level headed, they would have conversations about whatever it is they "have" and promising nothing - which of course is the right thing to do. Unfortunately for CW, she would have her "gaga" moments (I wouldn’t blame her as we all have those moments whether we like it or not). Anyhow, the time had come for VV to migrate to Ireland and CW saw this as an omen of sorts that it's time to let go - though at the back of her mind, she knows she couldn’t. When VV left, my friend cried buckets of tears (it was those times pala that her texts are depressing) and was really, really hanging on. Both of them kept in touch ergo making it harder for her to move on. VV was still not promising anything nor would he tell her he loved her (DUH?!) and dear CW was okay with that - and hung on…A few years passed until their e-mails became less frequent. She used to e-mail him as frequently as she can, but his replies were often delayed. She also found out something he did when they were on the fooling-around stages (which, when later asked about it he vehemently denied). It hurt her so she gathered up enough courage and had her resolve that indeed, it might be time to move on.

HIGH SCHOOL LIFE...

I saw a recent photograph of my high school buddies. A lot has changed but seeing them brought back certain insecurities. I decided to drop a few lines to one of them through Friendster - I always see her as the "leader" of the group. To my utter dismay, I suddenly seemed to be groping for words! Memories came flooding in…

You see, a long time ago, I was a "promdi" (from the province) freshman who studied in the city. It was a culture shock of sorts for me and I was really too shy and super insecure to make new friends. From where I came from, I was used to classmates as well as school mates being dropped off by motorcycles/pedicabs/tricycles/bicycles and those who walked to and from their houses (ours was kind of a small backward town). In the new school (it was actually a university), students were dropped off by their drivers/cars - in other words, most of them are rich. This new school is known for by its academic excellence (not to mention its middle class-rich population…me? I was just one of those students who came from a family with an average income) and my neurons were working properly and tuned in then ergo I was able to make the entrance exams.

Anyhow, come sophomore year, four wonderful girls welcomed me into their group - I really dunno how it all started, but there I was, suddenly "IN" a group. Mind you, these are not just ordinary girls, they were quite popular too because of their looks - yes, they were one of the pretty ones. Of course, I never imagined that they will accept me in their cool circle at all. I was ecstatic that they befriended me, but I would say that I was pretty quiet at first, but as time went by, I got comfortable around them, sharing jokes and laughter especially during our ride home (we'd take jeepneys together - their families have cars but I guess they preferred to ride the jeep then). We called each other "Ne" - meaning "little girl" in our dialect.

In spite of all these, I still had high doses of insecurity embedded in my system (and it's recurrent as I still suffer from this at times) perhaps because they were really fine-looking - their hairstyles were in sync with the fad (imagine the 90's hairstyle) and they have the "in" things…whereas I don’t even know how to put the hairspray on the exact angle thus making my teased-cum-sprayed bangs still look flat. They've got the perfect teeth and perfect smiles while I'm "sungki." They've got flawless skin while I've got lots of scratch marks and insect bites (I don’t dare wear shorts those times). I wore big eyeglasses too. You can just imagine my dilemma every time we have to have our pictures taken at a studio - I have a copy of one of those monstrosities. Now, yes, the boys…Wow, lots of boys like them, even those from other schools do. Me? Oh yeah, I've got one, yes folks, one admirer/suitor at school, - a fellow dance trouper. At least meron hahaha! He eventually became my boyfriend (my first!) all because of their prodding and badgering.

So you really couldn’t blame a poor teenager like me then to feel like the ugly duckling in the group. But these friends of mine, never did they let me feel out of place, never did they tell me I'm ugly or that I don’t belong.

Another thing I remember was during our senior year. There was a beauty pageant of sorts, it was the search for Ms. United Nations. Now these girls, along with our classmates, again badgered and convinced me to join the said contest. I'd say that it was hitting two birds with one stone that time - the first bird would be that it would make me at least "known" (hopefully not a laughingstock) for a day and the second bird was that I got a 98% grade for our Social Studies class on that grading period… And so I gave in and joined. They were responsible for everything - one taught me the right catwalk (Joane) - she made me walk with a book above my head - but all of them helped with the costume /clothes to wear and with the makeup - yes, they were with me all through my "embarrassment." Of course, I did not win hehehe. But it was quite an experience. Lucky me to have these girl friends huh?

We cried buckets of tears on our graduation - saying goodbye was never that easy. I haven’t kept in touch with them until now - I'm still trying to anyway. I still haven’t seen them since graduation. I sure do hope I would in this lifetime.

THE UNIVERSE HAS A WEIRD SENSE OF HUMOR...really...

Fallen… bruised… badly broken… shattered into pieces… believing again that something exists when it doesn’t and will never be existent… have become so wretched... might as well bludgeon myself with a kevel…

The roughshod rhythm recurred…abhorring every millisecond of it, yet continues to somehow yearn that things this time might be different…

Confusion sets in and tries to battle with what little sanity I have left in me… really a vicious cycle… should've sharpened my claws to be able to fight my way out… should've… could've…

Confidence was regained and now lost again… I have become an imbecile… my thought processes are furthermore disturbed…

Some people are just born pachydermatous… was mastering the art of being immune to these beings, but alas! Who am I kidding? I still am not… goddammit…

I am once again, a pathetic mortal contaminating the universe's gene pool…if only chlorination could serve as an antidote to such condition…