AIN'T IT GRAND?

I'm worried…as usual…I practically worry about everything…sometimes I think it's the borderline between paranoia and sanity. Things that worry me are, for instance, me being a mom. Am I doing a good job raising my kids? Have I taught them enough? Have I shown them that I love them? It's not like I just gave birth to them for crying out loud, but as they grow older, of course the situation becomes different -- greater challenges are at hand.

I am now working at home. I'm really very thankful for this because this way, I could spend more time with them --- I wouldn’t be an "absentee" mother (as one of uncles used to say because he said that I always come home late from work ergo the kids are asleep by then). When I was working in an office, honestly, it gave me a sense of individuality somehow, a sense of being me, the independent office woman, not the mother. I also used to go out a lot with friends or cousins. Yes, I would feel guilty about it most of the time, but they would tell me not to because it should be a time for myself. Whenever I spend on something for me, I also feel guilty, as I would think that with that money, I could've bought something for the kids. Again, my friends would chide me stating that I should indulge sometimes, that I deserve a "reward". Anyhow, now that I work from home, I seldom go out (which is more of my choice anyway) and I've pretty much gotten used to being around my boys - their smell, their jokes and antics, their laughter, their fights. Now, whenever my friends would invite me out, I rarely, as in RARELY, yield to them. Why? Because I'm worried that I'd miss them too much that I wouldn’t really enjoy the outing and thus become a party pooper. This led me to theorize that I've got separation anxiety. Oh my…

I've got an out-of-town sashay planned at the end of the month. Now let me tell you that my emotional range is boundless - ergo, I am nicknamed "EMOTERA" by close friends. As the day of this planned junket approaches, I find myself feeling uneasy, again, because I'm worried about the boys. Sometimes I've got racing thoughts before I go to sleep (and racing thoughts are scary - it's a symptom of depression) that give me palpitations literally. I know, I know - you would say that I'm OA but I really can't help it. This absolutely distresses me and keeps me up at night and the only way that keeps my brain to shut these thoughts off is by praying. Yes my dears, I DO know how to pray. Hey, I went to a Catholic university during high school for Pete's sake - why am I explaining myself anyway?

So…I've been psyching myself lately to be excited for this upcoming trip, and I am. In fact, my eldest son has been encouraging me to do or buy something for myself so when a friend of mine told me about this excursion, I decided to go for it - another way to also de-stress. I'm hoping and praying that it would be worth it.

I should be deliriously freakin' happy and agog.

25 THINGS A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR

1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.

2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.

3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.

7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.

9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.

12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply g ets on your nerves.

13. Never apologize for saying NO.

14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?

15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.

16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.

17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.

18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.

19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.

20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)

21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.

22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.

23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.

24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.

25. Never apologize for being you!

nuthin' to do..