The Gut Instinct

I have been through a lot. I'm a survivor. My undying motto is "to go with the flow." But there is always the end of the rope. There always comes a time when we have to know when to put our foot down. We should not turn a deaf ear on our instincts bec our gut is always right. But timing is everything. There must be a game plan, otherwise, we might still be on the losing end. However, we also must know when it's time to give up and let things take its course. Ugh. Me and my dramatics.

Oh No!

I realized that I do not know myself anymore. I have become a weakling. I am not the same person that i used to be -- adventurous, willing to take risks, fight for what i want and strong enough to make decisions whether or not i am in my comfort zone or not. Alas. I have become a coward. I am too scared to do all the above. Oh no! I'm AFRAIDY AGUILAR! :((

Still on the "T" Word....

There’s no magic machine, you don’t put in a quarter and out drops a can of trust — it grows (or RE-grows) over time. ******************************************************

Oh, how i missed blogging!

The "T" Word (and rebuilding it...)

Rome wasn't built in a day. It did not happen overnight. The process took time. It was a long and slow journey for the workers, and took a lot of patience. If patience was not the greatest virtue of those builders, there would be no Rome today. The same goes for us, people. Everything in life is not always easy. We must learn to walk before we can run. And the best way to be understood is to be understanding. "The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it open." -Arnold Glasgow (written on July 30, 2012)

REBUKE

WHEN PEOPLE REBUKE US...some of us might be taken aback because we never noticed or felt that we have anything to do with what is happening, and then we go on blaming other people, then complain or feel victimized -- now all we see is how the other person treats us and then choose to be stuck in thinking that we are the "victim" because that is way much easier. This is far from the truth, but an unfortunate reality for some. As a friend put it, "the mentality of an underachiever."

Solution? Take responsibility. I read somewhere that "Constructive action is the opposite of victimized brooding." In life, we either respond or react. So instead of reacting or overreacting, we should respond to the situation by realizing that, yes, we are part of the problem. It may be hard to admit that, but we can proactively approach the situation instead of playing the blame game and seek to understand before being understood. "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." -- Proverbs 12:1 (NIV) (written on July 22, 2012)

RELATIVity

Our family members, yes, RELATIVES, are supposed to protect us, make us feel secure and safe, not knock us down or bully us. Yet, time and again we get disrespected or disregarded because of the mistakes that we have or have not made. We can try to understand what drove them to do so, although there would be always be the possibility that we may never understand their reasons. Forgiveness is the key of course, but, it's just sad that these people are our "family" - and they are the ones who quickly judge us. I read somewhere that "A great family member will show you the tarnish, but then sit with you and help you clean and polish until you gleam again. It is an experience that although uncomfortable still feels productive and safe." This SHOULD be the case. Well, to each his own. As Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” Bato-bato sa langit! Good afternoon y'all! :) (written on July 18, 2012)

Happy birthday bunsoy!

Happy 15th birthday to my bunsoy, Elijah Bonaobra...Wow, 15 years! We have seen you grow up to what you are right now and it has been one super roller coaster ride. We wish you well for the roller coaster ride that your life is now about to throw to you! Happy Birthday Kukuy! We love you! - love mommy, daddy and kuya (written on July 14, 2012)

Crystal clear...

I am never enough for anybody. When I was a child, I was always compared to somebody better. ("Why can't you be like ____ who does well in Math/has high grades?" Why don't you imitate ____?")

As an adult, I would always play second or third fiddle; e.g., as a wife, there would always be somebody better than me, ergo, the infidelities.

Yes, I am being swallowed in the dark hole of self-pity. But I am dead tired of never being able to meet one's expectations. To always be a disappointment. When people treat me well, only a few of them are really genuine about it. Otherwise, it's either they only want something in return OR they are just "obligated" to do it -- just so that I wouldn't feel bad (or make them look bad). Come on. Nobody has to patronize me. I don't like "owing" anybody anything!

So really, it's very obvious. There is something wrong with me. I would never be good enough. I might not even be really worth it.

Perhaps, everything is just a facade.

Crumble, crumble

"You cannot let go of anything if you cannot notice that you are holding it. Admit your 'weaknesses' and watch them morph into your greatest strengths." --------Neale Donald Walsch


I missed writing here. We'll I won't be writing a lengthy piece at this time. Just something that occurred to me.

Some people are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together. Sometimes though, getting a couple of cuts might be worth it, sometimes it's not.





After all, the only thing that keeps it together is either the glue or tape that we put on it, but try removing even just the tiniest bit and it will go crumbling down.

Biting the Dust

i have suddenly become resentful of everything. what bugs me is the realization that my life has been a string of cliches. the memories of having done good to others seemed bleak, nonexistent. but i guess all those do not really matter. maybe it's about time to stop being so damn caring about everyone else.

in general i really am not happy with the way my life is going. again, the happy memories are blurry. what happened? i seemed to be forever sinking. i was never successful. i was always an average person, not great at anything. i've always struggled with everything - money, love, and what-not. it's frustrating. they said it's good to go down because there would be no way else to go but up. but why does it seem to me that my life is nothing but a slow, agonizing plunge into the abyss? i may see something to hold on for a while but then it would always be taken away from me - life is that cruel because it would always manage to take it away from my grasp no matter how i'd cling onto it. it's crippling, desensitizing...it made me realize that i might just have to let myself get sucked down this hole...i'm way too tired to fight.

well i guess i just don't deserve to be happy.

Jann Arden - Hanging By A Thread

At Dagger's Drawn...(Almost)

I have always recognized that I have one of the lowest self esteems here on earth. Reason(s) for this, I believe, had been mentioned in one of my prior blabs here.

I would just like to reiterate that being insecure is not something to be proud of, in fact, I’ve been wanting to get rid of this in my system for such a long time already. Of course, there had been periods in my life where I can say that I was at my most confident – my “prime” so to speak, on the confidence level side. I was fun to be with, always laughing, not having a care in the world, living a carefree life, albeit still knowing what my boundaries are.

But I have allowed myself to be manipulated, controlled, treated like a doormat – name it – by people. And I admit, up to now, I still sell myself short.

I have become a leech to some of my friends, sucking the life out of them. I feel like I’m drowning them with my miseries. Although I have apologized to them about this, I still feel guilty and feel bad because they too have their own difficulties and I feel inadequate to be the friend that they need me to be.

I used to be passive – I just take it all in, will just say nothing even if I’ve been wanting to explode for a long time just to avoid conflicts or confrontations. Somehow, I’m taking baby steps in learning how to voice out my opinions in the gentlest way possible so not to sound “opinionated” or narcissistic. Of course, some people who are used to my passivity might still be “shocked” about this, at same time, pushing me back into my shell (that’s how I see it). Like I said, baby steps – I’m still learning this thing. Yet, I guess it’s inevitable that some people will just provoke you – knowingly or unknowingly – that it would seem like you’re walking the thin line between love and hate…and this scares me a lot because, when push comes to shove, I don’t know what I’d be capable of doing.

I do not know why I always have this urge of proving my self worth to everybody. Does this make me KSP? Really, it’s hard to explain…and nobody might understand where I’m coming from and might see me as someone who is carrying a lot of emotional baggage, a jaded person, pathetic, and all those crappy terms. I don’t care anymore.

I am holding on to my faith, to my God.

I’m holding on to the belief that I deserve to be loved and to be cared for as any other person, that I am a worthy person.

Yet I find myself hanging by a thread…I’ve been trying with all my might to hold on but now I’m getting exhausted and I feel I’m slowly losing my grip. How can I hold on to something uncertain?

Have I made the right decision?

THE LUNATIC FIDDLER

They say, silence is golden.



It isn’t always. It is exasperating at times.

Sometimes, keeping mum about some things is simply a better option to avoid hurting people especially if you knew they had been under the weather in an emotional kind of way (which makes you want to retort, “Hey, what about what I’VE been through?”)

Yes, keeping it all bottled up – and you become quite good at it somehow. Sure, it’s not healthy. One might ask, “Then why?” One, fear, as in you are scared – scared that if you voice out your opinion (especially about a very sensitive matter), that it would be taken the wrong way and you might offend the person (which is really NOT a very pleasant feeling, i.e., offending somebody). Two, being labeled, a.k.a. being a nag or paranoid.

Perhaps in silence, you would be asked what is wrong but you would just keep quiet and shake your head –though deep inside you are imploding. You are almost always prompted to answer, “I don’t want to tell you what’s bothering me because every time I try to open my mouth, fear sets in because I might say the wrong words again that will make you feel bad…and then I’ll feel bad because in the end, the blame would be on me.”

Reasoning would always fail you. So then, to avoid further dispute, you keep quiet…and deflect. It becomes your stance – when repelled, you counter-repel.

Silence is not really an excuse. We just don’t want to be labeled as someone who is nit-picking on everything or paranoid/lunatic or simply not just making an effort to understand the person. If just by reiterating something (especially unintentionally) would make us sound like a nag, then what better way than to keep our mouth shut?

It's either that or risk becoming the "kontrabida" or "negastar" in the person's life.

*******************



I admit, I am a very insecure person – and this is not something I am proud of. I finally got to the bottom of it all, why all these insecurities. I grew up being compared to somebody else, that blah is better than me, why don’t I follow blah’s footsteps…and not really hearing positive things about one’s appearance just only added insult to injury. Then come adult life, being betrayed not only once is like putting salt into an open wound.

Yes, it seems I’ve played the second fiddle over and over again.

Being the second, if not, third choice (sometimes not being one of the options at all) gave more blow to my self-esteem, ergo, I’ve always necessitated constant reassurance and the need for chronic appreciation is there too. Every rejection induced a sense of being a total failure and had me suffer bouts of irrational jealousy. Again, admitting all of these is not with great pride – I am deeply ashamed.

Ever since I have accepted the Lord in my heart and in my life, I have learned that all these emotions are wrong. Every person is equal in the eyes of the Almighty. I am but just human and every now and then I still struggle with all of these negativity, and I know, with faith in Him, I will be able to move on and be brave enough to face all the rejections I would encounter in this lifetime.

I just hope and pray my family and friends would be patient with me.

my boylets

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BRATINELLO AND BRATINELLA

Since nobody is really reading this blog, it's not really important when I last wrote here, nobody cares anyway. Still, I'd like to say that I haven’t really posted in a while partly because of the so-called blogger's block and partly because I wasn’t that INSPIRED anymore -- I guess, the muses have abandoned me. Lol.

As always, the times where the itch to write was great, however, would come on unexpected situations or when I am lying in bed, trying my best to fall asleep. My thoughts would be running around in circles, jumping from one topic to another (isn’t this scary?!) and I literally would become nauseous -- perhaps because my neurons, if any, are exhausted. Eventually though, sleep would come.

The latest "topic" that came to mind is about how our friends are not alike. Of course obviously, they have different personalities and traits but still, they are your friends. We have learned to treasure them.

We have friends that we could call our "soulmates" because of being in sync with us at all times. There are also the sweet and thoughtful friends -- those who, regardless of not seeing/hearing from them for a while, are still the same old chums you used to know. For instance, some of my high school and college friends --- they may have changed physically, but they were the same boys/girls you used to know. We also have our weird but lovable friends -- you have nothing in common with them, yet you "click."

Now we also have friends who seemed to have metamorphosed -- no, not into cute little butterflies, but into monsters of sorts. Of course the cliché, "Only CHANGE is permanent in this world" comes to mind, and while that is true (and a perfect excuse), I have concluded that this metamorphosis has a common denomination: OVERINDULGENCE.

A.k.a. the spoiled brats.

These are the ones who want to be treated like they are Mr./Ms. High and Mighty and yes, they are Mr./Ms. Perfect. When you're friends with them, be afraid…Be very afraid. If for them you are not an EQUAL, I assure you, you will be treated like crap. If you're such a very unfortunate individual, you can also become their favorite pal to pick on. This then will make you feel like crap too and then you adapt the habit of belittling yourself.

You will feel miniscule just like an amoeba floating in the toilet bowl --- amongst the shit.

Yeah…SUPER.

In spite of the fact that you have "served" them well, humbled yourself upon them, and apologized profusely when you know you are the one at fault, still these supposed friends of yours will never fail to make you feel so bad that your gut hurts.

Still you try…and try…and try harder and harder…all to no avail. Perhaps it is easier for them to ignore you.

Admittedly, we have chosen them to be a part of our lives; yet we also have a choice to let them go.

So why prolong the agony? You should not be somebody's beck and call. The minute this realization sinks in, you should run. FAST. Never look back. These people are not worthy of you. It is a waste of time and energy pleasing these people. Do not overburden yourself with them. Instead, prioritize your other friends -- those who really truly care for you and love and accept you and most of all, RESPECT you for who you are, albeit the arguments and fights, big or small, that you have with them.

This friendship is long past its expiration date. Don’t stay just out of habit.

It is time to cut them loose.

SURREAL

i was still
i was quiet..

then you came

you crept into the night
i was taken aback
shuddering..

you took me in your arms
lulling me to sleep..

i awoke..

darkness ceased
denoting the coming of dawn..

i was suddenly cold and breathing frost..
the warmth was gone..

alas, you were all but a dream...

OH WELL...

I really miss blogging. Yet here i am, again, at a loss for words. I've been trying to wrack my brain for something to write about these past several months. Maybe i've become lazy also and may just be making an excuse for not having been able to write.

Hmmm... As of the moment, i am multitasking - working (editing) and blogging. How come, you would ask... Well, i guess, though i still don't have any idea of what to write here, i've got this intense urge to still jot down perhaps just a few sentences.

One thing is for sure, i'd say that i'm quite a stubborn person. I've recently experienced another (yes, another one) stupidity wherein i don't have to wait for my friends' wagging fingers while saying, "tsk, tsk...i told you so!" because all i have to do is look in the mirror and say that to myself - of course, with matching slapping of the forehead drama. Oh well, i guess i haven't learned that's all. I still want to believe that in every person's rude/aggressive exterior lies a good heart, somehow, lurking inside, just waiting to be tapped. Of course, being the dramatic person that i am, i've always wanted to be the "heroine" who would be able to make the "good" person come out. Alas, i've failed... Again...

Blimey.

Parenting Part II

School days are here once again. Every parent is caught in the frenzy - buying of school supplies, wrapping of notebooks and textbooks, and then constantly checking the kids' homework, projects, activities etc. I don't get to do all of those since i have other family members in the house, so lucky for me. However, when they have activities, i see to it that i am the one who is there (unless my kid fails to notify me - which happened - and the guilt is really consuming).

I'm still not very confident with my parenting skills. I just hope they know and are aware that I am trying my best. I am not a perfect parent, of course I too have flaws, but still, I am trying really hard to be the best parent to them.

Wish me luck. :D

SO DANG CONFUSING

So friggin' frustrated.

Struggling to understand.

It's not even worth it, yet, here I am…again…

What is it that I still don’t know?

I just want to understand…I might be missing something here…

But of course honesty is overrated…nevertheless, just a teeny weeny bit wouldn’t hurt, would it? Just to make room for more understanding…and knowledge…as such, mistakes or misconceptions won't be made again…

Either I'm that dense or just plain freakin' dumb.

WHAT THE??!!!

CEREBRAL CORROSION

I just couldn’t get over the fact that I haven’t been writing something here. I've been putting off most things the past few months. Yeah, of course I noticed. There had been moments where I would have this gripping desire of jotting down thoughts or emotions, even through using my mobile phone, but then again I would end up getting lazy and again putting it off.

I feel like my brain cells are getting rustier by the minute. I mostly couldn’t think of things to write about -- those "moments" I mentioned earlier are quite rare. It's really kind of pretty scary as I love writing. I don’t want to blame it on the so-called "writer's block" because I'm not really that one helluva writer so if I use that, it would be a lame, pathetic excuse.

I dunno. I feel senseless, witless, dull…I guess my neurons are not that quick anymore.

Now please allow me to borrow Jessica Zafra's line: "I think I should get a lobotomy."

P.S.

I think I'm back into my "bad" ways…

Holy crap.